Men and PORN...

[dustashesdog]

Ok, so I know this topic is played out a million times.
And Ive tried many things to "deal" with the above mentioned.(assuming Im the one with a problem), Like,
ahem,
making my own
looking together
ect.
Not getting into it, as it seems anything I do is never enuph,
and
a little newsflash for ya:
HELLO? YES I AM INSECURE AS HELL!!!

So, men:
Please DO TELL...
1)Why?
2)Why is it so important that you constantly cover it up, but maintain that you don't need it, and "If it really bothers you, no problem..."
3)Why?
4)What for?

5)Whats wrong with me?(as in: why does it bother me?)

[RSR]

I don't post here very often, but I would just like to say a few things in response to your post...

Firstly, you're not alone. From what I understand, most women dislike porn. There are obviously some who can get into and appreciate, just as men can, but I have never met this woman. Every female I've talked to or heard from has said the same thing- they don't understand it, can't get into it, and feel insecure.

I think a lot of the problem is that porn is made for men and projects female images that are generally invalid and demeaning. I have seen very little porn [and like to keep it that way], but what I have seen is so completely inaccurate and unreal that it's ridiculous. And men who make a habit of watching it start falling into that and thinking that's the way it should be [in my opinion].

I have also heard from some men that don't like it or don't get anything out of it. And I have also heard from some men [who don't watch it regularly or need it or whatever] that really it's just that it makes them think of sex. It's not that the woman is pretty[er] or they think it's real or anything of that sort. It just makes of them think of the act itself, and that puts them in the mood.

..... And I do think that if a man really loves and respects his woman and knows that it bothers her, that he should stop. If I had a habit that bothered my boyfriend and made him feel insecure, I'd do my best to not stop and get his help in stopping as opposed to covering it up.

........ But every time I think about this, I am thankful that mine isn't attracted to porn.

- Rachel

[Islandgirl]

Did I read you right Dust "make my own" Woo hoo now that's a brave girl, if in fact I read correctly!! My hubby watches too, I have no qualms about it so long as I am not in the room. Personal preference. ;D

RSR, nicely written and too true!

Take care and don't smash his head through the TV!
Lisa

[lilsx1]

I am female and I bring home porn more than my man - although we don't really watch it... RSR is right - most men and myself actually - you just watch it and can't help but want to do it too, the sounds can sometimes be a turn on too. If healthy - it is just a matter of something additional to add to the relationship - like toys or different positions. It can be unhealthy too, so if one partner is uncomforatable with it - that should be respected. I work in an adult store and am pretty open minded. Porn isn't for EVERYONE but that doesn't mean others can't enjoy it! Just a hint though - most of the girls in porn are not cute and fake tits are ugly as hell - it's just the act that guys like not the girls... Like I said I work in an adult store and talk to lots of guys about it. Very few guys actually care about a specific girl - apart from Jenna Jameson *lol* and she is SO used!!!

[gigi]

Hey Dust,
Nothing wrong with you, just not your thing right now. No apology required. Men and women respond to different things at different times in their lives. I don't have an issue with it as long as people don't conduct themselves as what they see on screen. Most porn is actually boring especially with the looping. Some of it is entertaining and even less of it is really hot. All of it is subjective as is my opinion.
I think the insecurity comes from comparison. You're real and they're not so don't even go there. Enjoy the effect it has on your man when he brings it home. As long as you get what you need it's all good.

[dustashesdog]

He wont look at it with me! Thats when the lies start. And yes I do whatever he wants. He used the old "If I had pics/vid. of youI wouldnt do it. " Liar. I just better make sure I get all that stuph before I take our kid and SPLIT!
Im not even talking about harcore pornography movies.That I get. Im talking bout real,young girls on Myspace that he's searching for. There all very *friendly* persons. All there profiles say"Peaple I want to meet: Horny guys for straight sex, no commentments"
I mean, if he wants to sit there and dream about f**king other bitches he can. But not me. Im not gonna dream about nothin. Ill go get me some of what I want, if I want it,
And I dont want him anymore. I am very insecure about a few things,but I know I am a beautiful girl who can be appreciated!
Is this a cruel and rediculus ultimatum?

[dustashesdog]

Oh and thanks for all your responces. There is mutch wisdom in all of them. Im taking what I can.

[Jewelz]

>:(SOME MEN CAN BE SO >:(INSENSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Me & my b/friend have had some HUGE rows coz of this.

I hear you Dust. I share your anger & your insecurities.

My boyfriend wont look at it with me either, but then sneaks around behind my back with it. He tells me he is too EMBARRASSED to look at it with me

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Wenonae]

Dust, Jewelz,

Sounds like the men are insecure vs. you. At least ya'll are willing to talk about it.

[TreeHugger]

Omigod! FINALLY! You know, I was thinking last night, about posting something about this.

My boyfriend of almost one year and I have had several fights over porn. When he and his ex-wife separated, he turned to porn and became addicted. When I first met him, I really didnt know about it. I, for the record, find porn to be degrading, disgusting and disrespectful.

Anyway, one day, on my way out to work, I decided to take a peek at his computer. I found ALL of these dirty f'n sites: naughtyschoolgirls.com, sex.com among other, even sicker sites!

I FREAKED OUT on him. Went off big time and was very vigilant afterward. I think what upset me most is he lied to me. Said he didnt look at it. Also, the stuff he was looking at: girls with big boobs (I have small boobs), blonds, (I'm brunette), petite girls (i'm petite, what's wrong with ME!).

Anyway things seemed fine until 2 Fridays ago when I came home early from work unexpectedly. I walked in and he had, on his computer, several "galleries" up. I burst into tears and WENT off. He got REALLY pissed off.
SO I made him delete ALL of the "bad stuff" on his computer, all ex's pictures (which REALLY pissed me off), and everything. He let me go on his Norton Security and create an account, where I control what he can and cannot look up on the internet. I checked off ALL things sex.

Then yesterday, I decided to do one more check. I found in his recycle bin, MORE stuff. Girl's names, "naked teens," etc. I went off again, and again another huge fight. Then he explained that when he "restored" his hard drive to find a file, all that stuff that he had deleted months ago came back and he deleted it all again and that's why I found it in his recycle bin. I watched him purge his recycle bin, he showed me his folders on his computer and that was that. I'm keeping the security account up though until I can shell out money to buy an actual program that filters that junk.

Seriously, I know I probably sound psycho...but his porn collection/addicition was not only a personal attack to me, but offensive and deeply upsetting. He says it's not so much the content, but he has control over it and he likes to watch. Men.

I just wish someone would take the reins on the internet and clean it up. No porn....or you have to pay for porn and you have to REGISTER to see it.

I have a bit of insecurity I suppose. I also have strong moral beliefs and I get offended by that stuff. It almost feels like he's cheating on me by watching that stuff, although I dont think he would ever physically cheat on me. So girls, you're not alone. I hope to start a forum soon about this. Helping girls through this. I know how it feels! I guess the only thing that bothers me now is my bf is a hacker and can probably find ways around things and hide folders.

[TreeHugger]

As for the other "methods"...sometimes if we're watching a movie and some girl takes her top off (is there a movie that DOESNT include that?) I'll laugh it off.
But really, I can't watch other naked girls. And naked men on a TV or computer screen does NOTHING for me. He's gotta be there, ya know?

Anyway, I've "made my own" too....reluctantly...web cams do me no justice! And he'll watch that, but it's probably not the same, I suppose.

I think what also upsets me about porn is guys see those HEAVILY re-imaged girls and think it's real. Like he can actually GET that big-breasted, 23 inch waisted, blonde "bombshell." Um, no. Reality check! Then I feel like I'm not good enough.

Anyway, I'm still dealing with this porn thing and this thread is awesome. Dust: you're a LIFE SAVER!
If anyone really wants to discuss it and maybe help eachother vent, pop me an email!

[pixiedust]

I totally agree that when a bf sits and watches porn its not nice, especially when they tell you they like you the wat you are and things when they are looking at girls with huge boobs and things. Yes they are fake but its not the point it does make you feel insure about yourself and they see in you. But all men look at porn or have done at some point in their lives, one thing about it is that at least they havnt actully physically had sex with the girl. I personally cant see what the deal is about porn and i totally agree with treehuggers point

I can't watch other naked girls. And naked men on a TV or computer screen does NOTHING for me. He's gotta be there, ya know?

[dustashesdog]

Oh, I can relate. And don't you just hate feeling like the f**kin' brain police on your man. I wan't him not to want it. I dont want to have to worry and snoop and interigate and NOT TRUST, and make him hate me.
Treehugger, if you and your man are openly trying to work out trust issues, heres something me and my bf did(and this was a looong time ago, he found another way, REAL girls on MYSPACE(beware)
www.x3watch.com/
Anyway its a free program that "watches" your BF.'s computer and sends you emails of every questionable sight he's visited. But he has to agree to participate with you.
Ive finally delt with this incodent by telling the groveling bastard,(even still as he denys it :
"Look, man, you better hide your nuts better. I know youll never stop, but for the love of god don't let me catch you again."




My man says he does it only out of boredom.
Boredom of what? My anal virginity?!?
Do some d**n laundry if your so f**kin' bored.
GHRRRRRRRRRRRR
I feel better, thank god for the word sensor. ;D

[akira]

This thread makes me a million times happier that my boyfriend is burned out on porn and has no desire to really look at or watch it.

I'm somewhat into porn(I like the more anime type comic porn and mags like penthouse forums that you read or have less hardcore themes)and I try to get some hentai(anime porn)for both of us to look at, but he isn't comfortable looking at it with me. I want him to look at it with me so I can figure out what kinds of things he likes. Also for some reason, I have no problem getting hentai with big breasted women. I think I just do some transference and just imagine myself as one of those girls. I guess i'm just wierd like that.

I think porn can be a tool to help spice up your relationship sexually by finding out what types of things get your guy off as well as finding out things that get you off as well. You may not know your spouse/boyfriend has a fetish til you find their porn collection. It helps some relationships to have both partners indulge in some wierd fetishes and such to help them feel closer to each other.

Unfortunately it seems like the above mentioned has been tried before and to no avail it seems these guys like the feel of their own hand than the partner who wants their attention.

I can understand the whole insecurity thing because most of these girls in porn have tons of makeup and surgery and airbrushing and all sorts of other things that make them look flawless and most men think that when they see chicks in porn that they actually look like that in real life. Sorry it isn't true guys. I've actually got to see some porn chicks up close and personal at a comic convention 2 years ago. Granted they were nice people, but they didn't look all too nice without all the airbrushing and professionally applied makeup. One of the girls I met looked like she didn't know how to apply makeup properly. One girl looked older than she should have, not to mention she was overtanned(fake tan)which made her look even worse and wrinkly.

As for the people who are having problems with guys and their porn, you really should consider leaving the guy who keeps doing this to you. If all he wants is some digital image and some lube, then he probably isn't the best guy out there for you. There are plenty of other guys who would actually take into consideration your insecurities about the subject matter. Just leave the jerk to his jerking. Most guys like this will never get another woman ever again anyways and if they do, they'll get stuck with the psycho bitch who tears him apart and leaves him with a shattered ego.

[fawnmarie]

I kinda like porn - the worse it is the better.

Seriously, I do like porn sometimes. It's embarrassing to watch it with my husband more than anything, so we don't do it often. After a couple of drinks though, it's not so embarrassing anymore. I think it's embarrassing for both of us, but we eventually relax into the process and yes, the whole point is to make us feel like doing similar.

Okay - those of you who are insecure about it - you need to look at it from a scientific perspective. The reason men like porn and the reason women get jealous of it has to do more with our biological programming than us as people.

Men and women have different reproductive behavior programming because we have such different roles in the process. And yes - even if you have no intention of having any children, ever - your sexual behavior is programmed into you the way it is specifically for the purpose of making more people.

Men are biologically programmed to look for a variety of women to mate with. This is because, and let's face it, their real biological role in the process takes only about 20 minutes.

Sexual behavior in everything from tomatoes to homosapiens is programmed to either protect the individuals DNA in the interest of continuation of the race, or to spread the individuals DNA in the interest of cutivating diversity to find new and more survivable forms.

Because their participation in the process only takes a few moments, men are programmed more towards the "broadcast" method of DNA survival. This has resulted in their natural sexual desire for a variety of women. Men are natural "players". In more modern times, this is often expressed through the enjoyment of pornography, strip bars, and common mall oogling.

Women, on the other hand have a much longer investment in the reproductive process. In the wild, a human offprings requires a minimum of 5-6 years of maternal care. This is more along the lines of the "protect" mode of survival. As a response to this protective instinct, we prefer one long term mate that is dedicated to helping feed and protect the offspring, and because of this we are generally more monogamous, even if only serially. This is why women's pornography is usually a romance novel, with just as much sex as the male type, but with constant partners and emotional intimacy and interaction.

It's much like twinkies, though - we are biologically programmed to eat twinkies. They are full of sugar, which is a super condensate form of energy and we crave that. They are full of fat, which inhances saity.

Twinkies are bad for us, though.

Our evolutionary sexual programming can be a bad thing. This is why some men waste time, money and effort chasing tail, and why women stay in abusive relationships.

In modern times men divert this natural desire into pornography. If you look at it logically, it's quite an accomplishment to suppress this urge and divert it to something pretty much benign and non-threatening.

The mistake I think women make is taking it wrong. For the most part, the porn has nothing to do with you. It has to do with HIM. It is not because you are not pretty enough or skinny enough or busty enough. It's not a matter of better - it's a matter of DIFFERENT. It may be different than you, but that's not really what he's thinking. It's different than what he HAS. And that has nothing to do with you. If he was married to a woman that big boobs and stipper hair, he'd be cruising the itty-bitty-titty amateur sites.

So, remember, when men cruise porn all they are looking for is DIFFERENT. Variety. Change.

So, unless you want to get a collection of wigs and yearly plastic surgery, I suggest you not take this personally. He's just looking for variety.

And I think playing "brain police" does more harm than good. You are showing him you don't trust him. You are NOT being a good friend and mate. Imagine if he told you that you couldn't post here anymore, or spend anymore time on natural breast enlargement, and he snuck in and read all your forum posts and looked at all the breast stuff. Wouldn't you be mad? Why don't you want him cruising breast stuff with you? Maybe you'd be embarrassed?

Don't you find our urge to want bigger breasts to be more sexually appealing just as embarrassing as someone looking at porn?

So, if he doesn't want to do it with you, he probably IS embarassed. And it might take time to get some of his secrets out, and that opens the way to becoming closer every time.

But trying to control and suppress it is going to ruin your relationship, because it is, after all, his head he's living in.

You need to deal with your insecurity on your own terms. He doesn't look at porn because there is anything wrong with you. He looks at porn because he wants to look at porn.

My suggestion would be to let him have his little secret. It's better than him having a BIG secret. Everyone needs a little excitement in their lives. Porn is just a form of escape from the real world - just like romance novels, except visually oriented. I read a lot of science fiction - I don't plan to leave my family to travel to Mars. I read a lot of vampire stuff - and I certainly wouldn't want to live forever. It's just escape and relaxation. Let him enjoy it without tears. It does nobody any good. All you're doing is making BOTH of you feel worse.

Next time you "catch" him, smile, ruffle his hair and walk out.

Or if you really want to put him in a spin, bend over and whisper in his ear "She's pretty cute - I'd f**k her too".

That'll make him think!




Fawn's 2 Cents