How to keep off other women?!!

[atag]

HI everyone! HOpe all's goin well. Its been so long. As for BE i've gotten so busy n so poor i cannot afford anytng. Am waitin to start mirifem once my business settles down.

As for the topic at hand i have an increasingly annoying problem.
My boyfriend's best friends girlfriend. She syas she is serious about him, she says she wants to marry him, they're both seriously plannin on it in a couple of yrs..then why the hell is she hittin on my boyfriend all the time!!! She never seemed to be l;ike this in the beginning but the past 2 yrs she's been jus too touchy with him u know what i mean..? Has to hug him every chance she gets, hold his hand or stroke him, pinch his cheeks..oof! It jus puts me off!! N whats worse my man doesn't seem to get it. He syas i'm overreacting, there's nothing there, he can't be distant or rude to her coz his friend might be offended,she might feel bad..Hello!!! what about me feelinh bad n uncomfortable with her behavior! I gave him the benefit of the doubt n waited. But a recent holiday with all our friends confirmed it when even my friend n her boyfriend noticed the extra interest in my man from her. What really pisses the s**t out of me is everytime she gettin what she wants she gives me that look..like u know..tryin to poke me with it.

I don't think she has anytng serious for him..coz she generally loves gettin attention from any n all men. But maybe a crush or jus a small physical satisfaction of feelin him up. yikes!

Now my man refuses to keep diatance with her,thinks i'm imagining things, even when i indirectly snub her she refuses to get the msg, what do i do!!!

This saturday is actually her b'day n her boyfriend id havin this bash at his place...i know she's gonna use her day as an excuse n keep askin my man for a hug a kiss n god knows what else! I need to put an end to this coz its giving me serious doubts n everytime we meet her we land up fighting. Can't go on this way.

So anybody with any suggestions as to how to put the b*$%# in place please please help me. Hope u can understand how much smtng like this bothers a woman..

Thanks!
Atag

[Peachy]

Hey atag,

So sorry this girl's acting out of line. It is definitely time to set some boundaries. You know, whether or not your boyfriend thinks something is going on, it is making you uncomfortable, and has been for some time (you've been dealing with this for two years!) - and that should be reason enough for him to do what it takes to make you comfortable about it.

Now, he might just like the attention. Everyone does. It's human nature. And to get that attention from someone new, or different - well that adds to the excitement. It revives the idea for some people that they still have some allure.

I would try a three-pronged approach. First, I'd talk to the bf again. Really sit down and talk to him. In fact, have lunch with him or something expressly for this purpose. Tell him you need to discuss something with him over lunch. He'll know it's important to you b/c you set aside time to do it. Make a list of three or four points ahead of time (not ten!) and try to keep them specific. These are the points you should talk about - what bothers you about this situation, how it makes you feel, what you wish he would do about it. Don't use this time as an opportunity to drag up everything wrong he's ever done! Stick to the three or four points.

Shower him with attention. Maybe he doesn't feel like he's getting enough from you. Maybe he feels like he's getting more from other people. Have a few times when it's just the two of you, without his best friend and his supposed girlfriend. This alone time - where you give him attention - will help refocus his attention on you.

Consider talking to the girlfriend. This might just be what she does. She may not have acted like this before, but that may be because she was doing something similar to someone else's bf before, got tired of it and moved on to yours. Tell her it confuses you to hear her talk about marrying her boyfriend on the one hand and then acting a certain way with your boyfriend on the other. Name a few specific examples of things she has done (make a list ahead of time - there's a lot to be said for being prepared before going into battle). Ask her, point blank, to stop. You can't be any clearer than that, and there's no way she could misunderstand you.

I sincerely hope this situation straightens out, if only because I'd really like to maintain some level of faith in the decency of men (that faith has been sorely tested recently). I already know women can be catty.

Good luck.

Peachy

[atag]

Hey peachy!

Thanks so much for ur advice. Ur right on so many levels. I know i've put up with quite a bit. Kepp hearin that from my friends. Now i know he likes the attention. Its obvious.

Now the first approach i've tried over n over again. Very calmly spoken to him,unoffensively n told him whatever it is it makes me uncomfortable. But he jus doesn't get it. His conclusion all the time is i'm overreacting n he can't change his behavior coz he or she might feel bad if he acts a lil distant. So no point tryin that again.

The 2nd approach i realised i wasn't doin that much earlier n started givin him all the attention. The thing is we're both very busy with work we meet only once or twice a week on the weekends. So whatever best is possible i do,honestly. So much that i think maybe i'm giving him too much n thats pushing him away!

NOw the last suggestion u gave is what i've been thinkin of doin now that nothin else worked. In fact i did tell my boyfriend that since he refuses to make any amends to make me feel better i am gonna talk to her directly. I told him i'm not gonna be rude to her or insult her. I'll talk to her very calmly n make her understand basically whether she's doing it intentionally or not i don't like it. But he got all panicky n said it'll be a big issue n its gonna strain relations with his friend. He was all upset. Anyways i told him if it comes to that i am gonna do it.But i know the woman. She will deny everytng, pretend all shocked, make a scene n say i'm insecure n be like 'oh my god ur wierd,whatever'.

So....i'm still a lil unsure what to do. Or shud i jus snap at her on her face when she does smtng embarassing in front of everyone. Or shud i start being a lil 'friendly with her boyfriend, give her a taste of her own medicine so she'll get the msg n my man also will strighten up a lil n respond a lil more to me.

Oof i'm gettin all kinds of ideas hope i'm not gettin a lil irritating with my problem. Anyways thanks so much for ur help peachy. If nothin else comes up i think i'm gonna have a chat with her or snap.

[twilightsrose]

<snicker> or how about you pretend to get a "lil' friendlier" with her and let her know that if she wants your boyfriend she's going to have to be interested in you too... that might just scare her off.... unless she's into "swinging"... then you'll know what she's really after... and you'll have a whole different problem on your hands...

By the way, who cares if she thinks your weird... its not like she's someone you need to respect (especially since she's not showing you any). Have you talked to her boyfriend about the whole thing, and what he thinks...as in is she always like that with other guys? I sure as h3LL wouldn't want to be him...

Talking to her might not do any good, if she really is playing games... I've known girls like her and worse... some of them like to flaunt the power they feel they have over men... including stealing them from other girls or just causing all kinds of trouble.... in most cases its to hide self esteem issues...she might feel she doesn't have much else going for her so she needs the attention to boost her ego. Having a jealous girlfriend in the background just adds to the ego boost.... and telling her how much it bothers you just might reinforce that (that she has won/is winning the little game she might be playing). If you act like it doesn't bother you (as difficult as that might be), you take away part of that power... and nothing feels better than taking the power away from a "catty" female.

As for your boyfriend.... I really wish more men had the nerve to push a woman that is not their girlfriend away. Anyhow... does he ever get jealous of you, or is he the type to not get jealous? Nothing can ruin or revive a relationship like jealousy. Especially if talking doesn't work (I would always suggest trying to reason through conversation first). Hmmmm... flirting with her boyfriend might not be a bad idea... you are all friends right? Nothing wrong with some friendly flirting anyhow, eh?

Good luck... and take care....

[snowqueen67]

Could you, next time she does it in a public situation, say, very loudly and with a big friendly smile to her "don't worry, (whatever her name is) likes to hit on my boyfriend all the time.....it doesn't worry me at all" . Surely that would embaress her just enough to make her consider her actions.

Or could you get a mutual friend to say something out loud ?

How does HER boyfriend feel about all this?

rebecca

[akira]

I would definately talk to her boyfriend about this. If I was him i'd be pissed to find out my best friend and my girlfriend are getting a little too friendly with each other. Especially if he's planning on marrying this girl.

Or if you really want to bother her, spend quite a bit of time with her boyfriend, get all chummy with him and whatnot, and when she bitches about it, just say "oh I thought we were playing boyfriend swap since you sure as F@#& can't keep your hands off of my boyfriend". Do this at her birthday party if possible. Also, from the sounds of it, it sounds like your boyfriend is quite uncaring since you've addressed this to him before and he thinks its overreacting on your part.

[atag]

For my boyfriend his pals from childhood r like his life! Its sweet but thats why he will not do anytng to hurt any of them even if one of their girlfriend's at fault. As for her boyfriend i think he's dropped his b*@lls off somewhere! The man doesn't react to anytng! So i know its no point tellin him anytng. Maybe when she does smtng trow i'll probably very lightly ask him if she's sooo touchy with all men. Hehe...

I think ur right twilightrose but, it is like this power trip she feels gettin attention from other's men. I've seen that with her. She wants to be the centre of attention always. N oh yes my boyfriend does get jealous if someone's payin too much attention to me. But i have to be very careful. As long as i'm gettin attention he'll be jealoua but if i'm givin too much attention to someone he's gonna be very pissed. But we're all good friends so i can pull it off. Show him how it feels huh.

I love ur idea snowqueen! i think i'm gonna definitely say that on her face. She'll know i'm not keepin quite anymore. N yes a lot of ppl r waitih to say smtng to her. hee hee..Akira once i piss her off ur line will make the entry!

Boy her boyfriend sure is not gonna be expecting all this trow! Hehe..N definitely the b*@!*ch has a lot comin. Can't wait!
Thanks u all for ur fab ideas n support i love them!Will let u know how it turns out. Take care!

[tweetysweety]

what happened then?....did you confront her?

[dwantsmore]

You might want to just mention, nicely and quietly to her, on the side that this bothers you.

I'm very, very affectionate- but everyone in my family is. People used to think my brother and I were dating all the time (EEEEWWWW) because we held hands and hugged in public. I'm pretty standoffish about people who I don't know well, but the more I get to know people, the more affectionate I get.

I try to keep my eyes open for people who this makes them uncomfortable, but sometimes I'll miss it, or it will slip my mind- I mean, for me, being that touchy with friends is normal, and when I'm just hanging out with people I feel comfortable with it won't occur to me that perhaps, my friends boyfriend will think I'm hitting on her if I cuddle with her on my lap (!!!).

It's very likely that she is just that friendly, and she dosen't know she's bothering you. If you ask nicely she'll probably stop.

Or, she could be a bitch- but if you ask nicely and she dosen't stop, then you can escalate without feeling guilty.

D Wants More