Long Distance Relationships

[curlergirl]

Hi all...just wondering if any of you are in long distance relationships and how you handle it.

My story is too long to go into...but we have been in a long distance relationship from the beginning....2 years. He used to live an hour and a half away...6 months ago he moved 3 hours away. He has always said he'll move here...but when he had the chance he didn't (but that's a whole nother story )

I am divorced with two children - I share custody with their dad - week on and a week off - I cannot move as part of our agreement....and I really don't want to for my kids sake. He has never been married, never had kids (he's 43) - no ties to anyplace - to make matters even more stupid, his family lives here....so don't even ask why I don't move (grrrrrrrrrrrr)

But I digress....I just need to see him more often.....I feel so disconnected from him.....and I am so lonely. Yes, I keep busy - I have two kids who are very active in dance (6 days a week), I work full time, I have a business on the side, I curl (for you Americans and others....that's a Canadian thing), plus I work out, I have friends I go out with....so I am not sitting around....but at the end of the day when I crawl into bed, I'm alone.

So now that I have whined on...how do you handle it....how do you feel a part of each others lives?

Thanks
Brenda

PS - I haven't seen him for 4 weeks - and probably won't for another 2 or 3 unless I go there...and I told him I won't. In fact I told him today that I am through.........
I am quite upset and depressed....sniff sniff

[mer17]

Hi Brenda,

Just happened to come across your post and thought I'd share my story with you. It's a little 'unbelievable' - atleast that's the usual comment I get, but I thought I'd give you some company

I've been in a relationship for 12 long years...around 7 of which have been long distance (he lives 2 continents away). Basically he's my highschool sweetheart & we're hoping to get married one day when I go back to my native country (hopefully soon!).

I totally understand how you feel...and you're right - keeping busy is probably the best thing - but it doesn't always help. I think because you see him every few months it makes it much harder to cope because you're always in the 'mourning' phase (<< the phase right before and after separating if you get what i mean). There's a lot of extreme emotion involved which gets difficult to deal with. In contrast, I see him only once a year & I've found that as hard as it is.. it tends to get a little easier after a couple of months have passed. We try to keep in touch everyday - either through sms, phone or email..send pictures often. It's definitely difficult ... but I just want you to know that it's not impossible. Don't lose hope. Especially if you really love him (& just reading your post it seems that you do).

The only word of advice I have is...do what you can..within your limits...to see each other & communicate as much as possible. Try to have a definite plan to end the long distance...not end the relationship. There HAS to be a solution if he's the right guy. I guess that's just what I believe because I've invested a lot of time, money & tears on my long distance relationship & I'm planning on doing my bit to keep it going. Moving back in 6 months. Can't wait!

Sorry for the long rambling post - I hope it finds you in a happier place.

M.

[curlergirl]

Wow M.!!!! All I can say is you must be a whole lot better person (and more patient) than me!!! Seven years - and not even in the same continent. Hats off to you - you must be one special person...and he must be also!!!

I agree that after investing a lot of time, energy and tears into a relationship that it would be a shame to end it...but you hit the nail on the head - there has to be a time frame - you KNOW you are going home in 6 months...and you had a plan with your love from the beginning (I am assuming). You KNOW when the end is. I don't. And that is what I can't handle. To me it is the definition of insanity to keep on doing something that hurts knowing that there is no end in sight.

I also agree with you about the "mourning stage" - rather than enjoy the time we have, I find myself pulling into myself a few hours before he has to leave and then we invariably have a disagreement. I can't stand the tearful goodbye so instead I make myself mad at him so that I can let him go. Sounds irrational I know - but it is the only way for me to handle it without breaking down and crying.

He came to see me yesterday...I shouldn't have seen him - it's too hard. But he still refuses to give this anything other than a noncommital "year of two...or maybe never". He says he loves me and I believe he does...he just will not commit to anything.

Maybe that's the whole problem - not so much the distance as his inability to commit. I don't even want to go there!!!!

Anyway - thanks for the encouragement. And I am so happy for you!! I hope the next 6 months breezes by for you and good luck in your life with your honey when you return to your home!!!

Brenda

[swissausie]

mer17 said:

Hi Brenda,

Just happened to come across your post and thought I'd share my story with you. It's a little 'unbelievable' - atleast that's the usual comment I get, but I thought I'd give you some company

I've been in a relationship for 12 long years...around 7 of which have been long distance (he lives 2 continents away). Basically he's my highschool sweetheart & we're hoping to get married one day when I go back to my native country (hopefully soon!).

I totally understand how you feel...and you're right - keeping busy is probably the best thing - but it doesn't always help. I think because you see him every few months it makes it much harder to cope because you're always in the 'mourning' phase (<< the phase right before and after separating if you get what i mean). There's a lot of extreme emotion involved which gets difficult to deal with. In contrast, I see him only once a year & I've found that as hard as it is.. it tends to get a little easier after a couple of months have passed. We try to keep in touch everyday - either through sms, phone or email..send pictures often. It's definitely difficult ... but I just want you to know that it's not impossible. Don't lose hope. Especially if you really love him (& just reading your post it seems that you do).

The only word of advice I have is...do what you can..within your limits...to see each other & communicate as much as possible. Try to have a definite plan to end the long distance...not end the relationship. There HAS to be a solution if he's the right guy. I guess that's just what I believe because I've invested a lot of time, money & tears on my long distance relationship & I'm planning on doing my bit to keep it going. Moving back in 6 months. Can't wait!

Sorry for the long rambling post - I hope it finds you in a happier place.

M.

where are from. i am in a long distance relationship too

[swissausie]

curlergirl said:

Hi all...just wondering if any of you are in long distance relationships and how you handle it.

My story is too long to go into...but we have been in a long distance relationship from the beginning....2 years. He used to live an hour and a half away...6 months ago he moved 3 hours away. He has always said he'll move here...but when he had the chance he didn't (but that's a whole nother story )

I am divorced with two children - I share custody with their dad - week on and a week off - I cannot move as part of our agreement....and I really don't want to for my kids sake. He has never been married, never had kids (he's 43) - no ties to anyplace - to make matters even more stupid, his family lives here....so don't even ask why I don't move (grrrrrrrrrrrr)

But I digress....I just need to see him more often.....I feel so disconnected from him.....and I am so lonely. Yes, I keep busy - I have two kids who are very active in dance (6 days a week), I work full time, I have a business on the side, I curl (for you Americans and others....that's a Canadian thing), plus I work out, I have friends I go out with....so I am not sitting around....but at the end of the day when I crawl into bed, I'm alone.

So now that I have whined on...how do you handle it....how do you feel a part of each others lives?

Thanks
Brenda

PS - I haven't seen him for 4 weeks - and probably won't for another 2 or 3 unless I go there...and I told him I won't. In fact I told him today that I am through.........
I am quite upset and depressed....sniff sniff

what is curl ?

[curlergirl]

Hi Swiss Aussie

Curling is a sport that is played in the winter - you may have seen it if you watch the Olympic games. It is played on ice, you throw big granite rocks down the ice and try and hit a target - for lack of a better word. If you have ever played shuffleboard or lawn bowling it is a little similar to that idea but a lot more athletic and fun.

[swissausie]

curlergirl said:

Hi Swiss Aussie

Curling is a sport that is played in the winter - you may have seen it if you watch the Olympic games. It is played on ice, you throw big granite rocks down the ice and try and hit a target - for lack of a better word. If you have ever played shuffleboard or lawn bowling it is a little similar to that idea but a lot more athletic and fun.

Thanks for information Curlergirl it sounds like a fun sport.

Swissausie