If he was such an a-hole, why do I miss him??

[jennidee]

*sigh*

I've been dating a man for about a year. I had not had a close relationship for about 8 years after breaking up with a cheater and liar. Before that, I was with a very abusive sociopath. So you see a pattern..

So when I met a funny, sweet, intelligent widowed lawyer, I thought I'd found the one. We seemed like soulmates. When the warning signs came, I was too in love to take them seriously, I didn't think this great guy could be a bad person. He got very defensive when I broached any subject about his behavior and said that nobody had ever told him he had any problems.

Well, he drinks excessively. WHen he drinks, he becomes horribly verbally abusive, demeaning and nasty. For hours, even when I cry and beg him to stop and would do anything to placate him.

He does not remember any of this the next day and accuses me of being too sensitive, making things up and accusing him of things nobody ever has.

He is sarcastic, demanding, needy and, as I have been learning, a textbook Narcissist. TAlks of nobody but himself. I've had a concussion, pneumonia and a near-death in my family, and he never offers any sympathy or empathy. He offers money, which is how he handles his daughters. He gives them whatever they want, but there are no hugs or emotions.

Just when I think I can't take it anymore, he seems to have insight and motivation to change. I get sucked back in even more in love, SURE that there is good in him that I can bring out, since it was there to start with. Then I get clobbered again. Even sober now, he is moody and goes off on horrible rantings over something as simple as my not being able to have dinner with him, as I have migraines. I can not even repeat the things he says to me, though I've described some of them on this forum.

Yet, when he was GOOD, he was great. I had the best times ever with him. So many laughs, so many comfortable, happy times when he seemed to be so REAL. I thought this was the REAL him.

It ended recently when he was just beyond horrible on Christmas and I almost had to call the police. I tried to patch things up, even though he had been the drunk and nasty one, and now he says that I want too much from him, that nobody has ever told him he is anytyhing but nice and kind and loving. Of course, his wife is dead, so I can't ask her, but it sounds like she had been very, very passive. His friends don't see the craziness because he is very careful about what side of himself he shows to them.

So...it's been three weeks and I can't stop thinking about him. I cant' sleep or eat. I keep thinking that somewhere, he is really GOOD and somehow I have messed it up and the good can come out. I am afraid somebody else will find it. I miss the good times and I am so, so lonely. I had been lonely for a long time before I met him, and I can't bear to go back.

I live in a quiet place where it is hard to meet quality people. I"ve only lived here about two years so I don't have close friends.

I keep thinking of begging him to take me back and trying harder to please him. THis is pitiful and pathetic, logically I KNOW that. If I read someone else saying this, I would be screaming in frustration that she could be treated like this.

So why can't I move on? I've been trying to go out and socialize, but I just end up crying. He destroyed my self-esteem and I keep thinking I need him to restore it.

I KNOW better. I really do. But I am so hurt and scared and lonely and confused, all I can think about is trying to pretend things are okay with him and taking the bad so I can have some of the good. But in my head, I know he is a bad person who will spit me out. WHy can't my heart understand that I am better off without him?

I just started therapy, but I have a long way to go.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? How did you cope?

THank you, it feels better just to write this all down.

Jennifer

[Wenonae]

Wow Miss Jennifer.

Well for starters..haven't been quite to the depth of what you've gone through..but did go through a pretty sour relationship. Prolly the best question is to ask of yourself.."Why don't I want more? Am I afraid? Do I think I deserve better?" If you THINK any of those answers are yes...then do stuff, actions to put some power behind those words- join groups, get active, get out.

I also think you're just lonely and that's worsening the situation. If physically getting out isn't an option..try online stuff. I've made great friends in these forums and I chat with them all the time...for some, online is even the place for soul mates.

Fill up your time with more positive. Say some nice affirmations or listen to soothing music in the background. After a while..it'll be in your thoughts. After all- thoughts really are things.

Hang in there.

Wen'

[gigi]

jennidee,
You miss him because he's a habit-bad or good. We are all responsible for our own actions. He is and you are. He doesn't need you to make excuses. Why do you allow yourself to be treated this way? Wen hit it on the head when she stressed being more positive. Forget about accepting crumbs. Believe you will get the cake and it will happen.

[shakira8]

I agree with Gigi,he's a habit and in my opinion a bad one!You deserve better and you know it!Get out,do things that please YOU and always be with friends,he left a void and you must find ways to fill it.Be strong now and you'll be thanking yourself later.Don't you wanna be happy? You don't wanna spend your life with a jerk!You have an option here!You can choose how to spend yourlife and who to spend it with,don't throw it away!
We'll be here for you!

[buffy]

Jenni,

In addition to what the other ladies said, I have a few comments. First of all, wrapping your life around someone else and their happiness is self-destructive. Do you truly believe that you have the power to make someone else happy, to change the way they think or act, or how they feel? Don't kid yourself. This man is the way he is and change is up to him. If being with him is not good for you, then don't give it another thought.

Time to think of yourself. Ask yourself if you are proud that you would accept someone who would treat you the way he did. If you are proud that you tried to change someone by crying and pleading (manipulating). If you are proud that you would try to make ammends with someone whose problem is not your fault. If you aren't pround of any of those things, rise above them. You don't have to do them. Put yourself above that behavior and the type of person he is and the type of person you became when you were with him.

Spend some time figuring out who you are and realizing your strengths- then get to know yourself and how you really think and feel outside of a relationship. When you return to the dating scene, I do believe you will find yourself in a whole new situation.

I know those weren't the kindest words for you, but I get really tired of watching otherwise intelligent women get into situations such as yours. You are better than that.

-Buffy

[jennidee]

All of you are correct, of course. Sometimes I need a kick in the tail along with the support. It all helps bring clarity and strength. He is like an addiciton I am trying to kick, and kind words and reality checks are all welcome as I recover. And, I need to look at myself and the patterns of my life that get me in to these situations. I had avoided bad men for nearly ten years, thought I'd learned. But I just fell for a better disguised one, who had a whole new set of issues to deal with and sort through. And no, I can't change him through fair means or foul.

Having found so much support here, I've joined a Narcissist's Partner group online for further support and info. Oh my gosh. Amazing parrallels with what I have gone through and no happy endings for anyone who stayed and tried to make it work. Some issues are workable, genuine personality disorders are not. Period.

I am working on increasing my network of gal pals for now, since my best buds are about 200 miles away. When I feel stronger, I will see about dating. But now, I need the validation, reality checks and support of friends.

And thank you, friends here, for taking the time to offer your thoughts and help. I treasure it all more than you can know.

With thanks,

Jennifer

[HoneeBee]

jen, i dont completly know where you are coming from but i feel your pain. it really sad to see beautiful, intelligent, and kind hearted women get treated like dirt. then what even worse is when they keep putting up with it. the longer you put up with it its almost as if you are giving the guy permission to keep treating you that way. why should he change when he thinks that he's got nothing to loose?loosing you should be motiviation enough for him to get help.

Some times the showing of true love isnt to stand by and take crap from someone but to just walk away. if this man loves you and thinks you are woman that diserves respect then he wouldnt want you to be with an a-hole, even if that a-hole is himself?

its normal to feel like you miss him. its like a bad addiction. you go through a period of withdrawl. you probably dont really miss him, you just probably dont like being single again after you invested alot in that last relationship. you are also probably just lonely. my advice is to keep your family and friends close to you at this time. change is hard. humans are a creature of habit and we feel safe with the familiar, even when it may be very negavtive and possibly dangerouse. at least we know what to expect and we can predict what will happen with accurancy. but you just got to be brave and move on.

[jennidee]

More good advice, Honeebee. Not to minimize what people with physical addicitons go through, but I think this is similar. Normal, healthy relationships have normal mourning. Painful, yes, but not totally destructive. When someone tries to destroy you first, for a while, he seems to be the only one who can offer comfort, repair what he has wrecked. So I hang in and hang in, waiting for him to grace me with some kindness, that I can lap right up. And it sustains me for awhile.

I am taking it a day at a time. I just gave in and called him. He laughed at me. I just put his email address in my delete filter, so I don't have to see any messages and be sucked back in. I am changing my phone number so I don't wait around for him to call at any point in my life, apologizing and asking for me back. It won't happen, but at least with a new number, I will feel like I have control.

My dogs think this is all okay, by the way, since I keep snuggling with them and giving them extra belly rubs! They are unconditional love in warm, furry (somewhat gassy) packages!

Hugs to all out there.

Jennifer

[shakira8]

He laughed at you?What an a#$@&le!I can see from what I read that you took your life in your hands,so you're in a good way!Your new online friends will be a big help,it's a good thing you found them,you know you're not the only one in this situation!I'm sure that soon enough youll be feeling better than ever and you'll be ready to look for the real mr.Perfect,someone that deserves you and trully respects you!

[buffy]

In order to be respected, one must be respectable. I don't blame him for laughing; maybe you will take it to heart.

C'mon, girl, you are worth more than that!!

[jennidee]

Youch! yes, you are right Buffy, excellent point, and Shakira and everyone, thanks.

Buffy, I have to ask, is your screenname any homage to the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer?? Buffy was a tough girl, but got the job done, all while being a good friend and looking very stylish!

[buffy]

Lol, I wish! To tell you the truth, I picked that name because it makes me think of a fruity & fake girl- the opposite of me. I chose it because when I first joined I didn't want other people on the internet who know me to know I was doing something like this (BE). In short, I was a little embarrassed about it. The embarrassment didn't last long, as I've now told everybody I know.

I guess I am a little on the tough side (and hopefully a little stylish), but the older I get the more I believe that honesty is the best policy. I also have a terrible time watching women relegate themselves to 2nd class citizens. No use beating around the bush, in my opinion.

Best of luck to you, Jennifer. I know you can make it through this!