|
Post by Tweety on Nov 20, 2005 11:40:58 GMT -5
Every year around this time I get a little down. 4 years ago I ended my first and only engagement. The guy was a complete jerk and it was totally the right thing to do. So I'm not saddened by the fact I could have been married, rather that I was so stupid to invest everything I had into a lost cause. So I guess every Dec 1 I should be celebrating the fact that I didn't end up married to him? However, it still gets to me sometimes. Anyone have any horror stories you want to share (I have a few). Sometimes it helps to hear what other people went through. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one in the world who feels this way! (This one is open to the guys on this site )
|
|
|
Post by fancy112 on Nov 20, 2005 14:37:51 GMT -5
My worst relationship ever im still in my boyfriend and I used to have the best relationship ever we used to be able to talk, on so many different levels, great sex, laugh at the same things and just be so much on the same wavelength after I had my second child and moved in together so many things changed I've been cheated on lied to cursed at,beat up, kept from seeing my family and best friend, I quit a really good job because he was having insecurity issues when a coworker and I had a crush on each other (that nothing happened with), he constantly manipulates situations to make things out to be my fault he's very insensitive to my feelings, not romantic, or thoughtful most of the time and makes me totally miserable. NOthing that I do is ever good enough except for sex and even with that he has grown to be a very selfish lover, I've been with him for 10 years and we have definetly had so many more bad times than good, I know you guys must be reading this and thinking why the hell are you still there well we have 6 children together and my kids love their father to death he's like a big kid to them when he's in a good mood, they play video games act silly go to the park, he teaches them how to ride their bikes and tie their shoelaces just things that I admire in him as a father that I guess I didnt get from my own father,my oldest son sometimes asks him when they are doing things together how come you make mommy cry, she's always nice to us or he'll say to him you know Daddy boys aren't supposed to hit girls and its so hearbreaking and touching at the same time, I want my childrent o be able to have that happy experience with their father but the sacrifice I make in order to make that happens they will never know.
|
|
|
Post by Tweety on Nov 20, 2005 14:46:21 GMT -5
I am so sorry, fancy.
How does he respond when your son asks him those questions? Funny how a kid can get it but not a grown man!
Have you and/or your boyfriend went for counseling? Has he or would he be open to it?
This kind of stuff makes me very sad. I can imagine it's hard to leave with 6 kids!
|
|
|
Post by Tweety on Nov 23, 2005 17:43:44 GMT -5
Jennifer just got me worked up over this moron of a guy she used to date, I had to let off some steam and share a similar experience.
I started dating this guy not long after my engagement busted up. I was vulnerable and stupid as this was not the sort of guy I was looking for. Anyway, he was very pushy sexually and I ended up getting into a relationship I wasn't really ready for. Some sort of bond formed that made it feel impossible to walk away no matter how sick he made me.
This guy also commented how attractive his ex wife was, as well as comments about other women, especially with (as he put it) "nice racks". I told him repeatedly that this made me feel bad, and he knew how I felt about my chest size. But he kept on, as if it was a disease. Plus he was a paunchy guy in his late 30's, so not like he was anything special. And I never gawked at guys with rock hard abs or said anything about them.
I helped him move once and discovered his stash of porn. It was borderline grotesque, not just nude women posing, but women doing stuff to themselves and to other women. He also started emailing me pornography after I insisted he not do that. He kept telling me about this funny video he wanted me to see and I had a good idea what it was so I kept avoiding it. Turned out to be some woman hung upside down and these guys pouring and open bubbling bottle of champagne "into" her...it was awful. I hated him yet I had such a hard time walking away. I was lonely and very insecure.
When he got violent I left him. It was just a matter of time before he would want to start playing out whatever was in his twisted head.
Worst mistake I ever made in my life...wish I had never seen his face.
|
|
|
Post by hydeandseek on Nov 23, 2005 21:42:43 GMT -5
hey tweety sweetie!
smile cuz we all care about you, that's what friends are for, right? the holidays can be depressing enough as it is. OK, bad relationship experience, hmmmm, I've got a lot so where do I start?
1. the dumbest thing i ever did was when i was about 21 years old. i met a guy i worked with that was married and we had a two year affair. i was being fed that line of bull**** that "things at home aren't good and ii'm gonna leave soon". it never happened and i'm thankful because had that guy left his wife and married me, i would've never met my wonderful husband! after 2 years of his crap, i broke things off because i was tired of being used for sex and nothing else. i've also since learned how stupid it is to get involved iwth a married guy in the first place. they will lie and say anything to keep you, after all, they're already lying to their wife.
2. when the guy in #1 above, came to my house to have sex for "one last time" then ended things right after sex. we got back together afterwards, but not for long.
|
|
|
Post by Tweety on Nov 24, 2005 19:28:44 GMT -5
I can totally relate, hydeandseek!
I dated this older, very charming cop off and on for a while. He fed me the line that things were really bad, but he was staying with his wife until retirement (which is about 50 for police officers) because he didn't want her taking away his pension. He never spoke about his kids or his wife unless I asked, and even then it was very brief. It was a very embarassing experience because he quit the police force and dropped out of site, and through his friend that I was working for (and who had introduced us) I learned he was a very devoted husband. I almost bit my tongue in half!!! He told me how this guy's wife is his whole life! I guess the cop had everyone fooled.
Years later when things had blown over, I sent him an email (one of those stupid last ditch efforts to get closure). He had moved about 20 hours away and started a new job. He still really wanted to see me but I was involved with someone. He had thrown out the possibility of coming to town and staying in a hotel with me so that's when I shut it down. I wasn't going to get suckered in again. He was embarassed by my reaction and tried to backpeddle, say he didn't mean the hotel thing like that...that's the kind of person he is, manipulative. He's so used to making people think what he wants them to think about him, but his luck just ran out!!!
Love can make ya do crazy things! Congrats you found a great husband!
|
|
|
Post by jennidee on Nov 26, 2005 23:12:38 GMT -5
Hey Tweety!
Don't blame yourself for mistakes--falling in love is not really a voluntary thing. Pat yourself on the back for getting out of situations that were bad for you. Love, even bad love, is like a drug, or at least to me. It draws me in and holds me tight, in hope of the "high" that comes when things are good. A really good therapist once said to me, "that's great that this guy is the icing on the cake, but he has no cake!!" Always hold out for the cake!
This is a tough time of year to be alone Tweety--holiday parties, lots of "couple" stuff. And if it is a bad anniversary, it is even harder. Try to not be down on yourself for investing in someone. You do that because you are kind and giving and want to make things work, and you probably accept of things about the people you love because you have a big heart. It is easy to fall in love with a person's potentiial and think we can love them enough to make them treat us right. Sounds like maybe you fall in to that routine? I don't want to presume.
Of course, I know this about myself 'cuz it has just happened again. I spent 4 years with a violent alcoholic, then 7 with a pathological liar. Lots of bad dates later, and I am breaking up with someone I thought was perfect for me. We've been dating 9 months and when it is good , it is great. I hold on to those moments and they keep me hooked even when he is being emotionally cruel to me, which is pretty frequently.
Right now, my dad is in the hospital and not expected to make it. I called my bofriend crying about the news, and he had to go talk to his kids about something. In all the subsequent phone calls, he never asked about my dad, just talked about himself, which he does all the time. then he sent me boring emails about fantasy football, of all things, which I deleted. He flipped out that I deleted his emails, said I was "dismissing and disregarding him. " Hello?? My dad is dying!! When he called and I was trying to tell him that I did not really understand his anger, he started to swear at me. I told him it had been a terrible day--no sleep for me, worried and crying PLUS at my job, people swear at me a lot (social worker) and could he please just back off the language. This got him really riled he proceeded to list some swear words that he wanted me to know he would use whenever he d**n well wanted and too bad if I have a problem with that. I was shocked and devastated. I was not asking him even for moral support, just not to crap on me when I was already down.
So why am I so upset about losing him? He has since told me he is done--of course, I loaned his daughter a bunch of my clothes, so I will likely not see those again. I was deeply attracted to him and we seemed to have so much in common. I am terrified of spending another lonely holiday season--I just moved to Massachusetts a year or so ago and have nobody here.
Geez Tweety, I started out trying to support you and talking about myself! Sorry.
I thank you for your support in my rants about men who serve stuck-together meat and I wish you all the best right now, I think I know a bit about what you might be going through, and it isn't fun. But you can go to bed at night knowing that YOU at least, are a good person who treats people right.
Jennifer
|
|
|
Post by jennidee on Nov 26, 2005 23:36:52 GMT -5
Fancy, Guess I'm on a roll tonight. You shared a lot and that shows a lot of trust in your pals here and also perhaps a need for some moral support? While you will certainly find that here, is it enough? Do you have friends/family or a therapist to vent to and get some validation from?
I have been in a situation like yours and I had a hard time opening up to anyone I knew because I was embarrassed. Hearing myself talk about it made me ashamed that I was still in the situation. But you should not be alone or isolated. You need and deserve people around you who make you feel good about yourself and who will support you regardless of what you ever decide to do. A And please--don't take this the wrong way, I am just trying to offer a different perspective. I worked for a time as a domestic violence advocate ( though if you read my post above, I still can't figure out my own relationships!) Specifically, I worked with children of domestic violence and ran support groups for them. AS you think about your situation, perhaps consider that though they love their dad, it might not be the healthiest thing for them. AGain, I do not know your situation, I just have anecdotal experience. It is not uncommon for girls raised knowing their mom is abused--verbally, physically or emotionally---and enter in to adult relationships of the same kind. For boys, it can eventually lead to anger and disrespect for women and they might not have healthy relationships either.
Perhaps you can do some small things for yourself--talk--anonymously if you need to--to a domestic violence advocate in your area. Go to a support group--you will find women who are in your shoes and that is a wonderful comfort.
If I have not offended you, please feel free to email me privately--beachrose04@aol.com--if you just need to vent/chat/ have a friend. I would be happy to help find an advocate in your area if you wanted to talk to someone in person.
Please take care and thank you for sharing your story.
Jennifer
|
|
|
Post by Tweety on Nov 27, 2005 11:03:06 GMT -5
Hey Jennifer
Thank you for your kind words and encouragment, and don't worry about talking about your situation! We girls have to stick together.
I am so sorry about your father. I hope he pulls through and you and him will be in my prayers. Same with your situation, Fancy.
As bad as it feels to be alone, you are better off. You don't need a guy who is wrapped up in himself, and can't even ask about your dad once. And who flips out because you delete his stupid emails!
I can also appreciate the social worker part. My friend is a social worker and is currently taking a massage therapy course so she can leave social work. It's stressing her out far too much, been sworn at all the time and all the nice stuff that goes along with working with people like that. Then there is the office politics...
Men wonder why the girls always date the jerks and not the nice guys. I explained it to a guy friend that it's because the jerks tell the girl exactly what they want to hear, whereas nice guys are honest and won't do that. Jerks know how to push all the buttons, so that even when you want to leave you can't help but think back to all the good times. I learned in my engagment that when the bad times outweigh the good it is time to go. My brother's friend told me it should be easy when you're dating, otherwise you shouldn't get married...cause it will be a lot harder after you do! Marriage carries along a whole new list of issues.
But listen to me...I've never been married.
I am confident that some day I will look back on this and laugh...
|
|
|
Post by jennidee on Nov 27, 2005 15:51:22 GMT -5
Ah Tweety, my sister in angst! I've never been married either--it scares the crap out of me! You have wise advice, I will keep having to go back to it and read it. Things are bad today. I called a**hole and asked him to stick my clothes--a few nice items I loaned his daughter for a dance--in an envelope and mail them. He lives 65 miles away. He went off on me demanding that I come up and get them like "a normal person" and too bad if I never got them back. I started to cry and explained that I never buy clothes and that I really splurged to get those two things and I need them for work and can't afford to replace them. He laughed at me and said if it was so "life altering' that I needed the clothes, that I would get off I disagree to get them , he was not going to mail them. He knows I can't afford the gas, I just drove to his place on Thursday. He got more and more abusive on the phone but threatened that if I hung up, he would never talk to me again. I was crying and telling him that I can't go far from home now because I want to be near the phone in case of my dad and he told me I was being an idiot. I can't stop crying. I don't know how someone can be so cruel and I blame myself for being so weak.
Thanks again for letting me vent.
JD
|
|
|
Post by Peachy on Nov 27, 2005 15:58:18 GMT -5
Ugh, what an ass! I cannot believe that there are people who dare to call themselves civilized while behaving in such a manner. . . he sounds like a brute, Jen, and I'm glad you're in the process of getting rid of him. I feel somewhat sorry for his daughter. . . she not only is stuck with his genes, but with that environment. What a colossal loser. You have my utmost sympathy and heartfelt prayers. I hope he eats dirt. Peachy
|
|
|
Post by fancy112 on Nov 28, 2005 0:10:21 GMT -5
Hey Tweety and Jennidee,
I really do thank you for your support, to answer you r questions lets see jennidee you hit the nail right on the head when you mentioned the embarrassment, which is my #1 reason for mot letting it out sooner, as strong willed, stubborn and charasmatic as I was earlier in my life this would definetly be one of those situaations where no one would possibly envision me being in, I have one close friend who knows alot but I don't tell her everything because I know that she really is tired of telling me I need to leave my boyfriend and how much better I could be doing, you also hit the nail on the head about children repeating the fate of their mothers, I think my #1 reason for putting up with the relationship I am in is because I saw my mother and my grandmother in the same situations, I saw my mother change my father to the point that he does not hit her anymore and sometimes if I could ever get my boyfriend to change in that same way, we did go a 2 year period where he did not hit me at all and that makes me think it is in him to do better.
Tweety as for how he responds to my son's questions I think it pretty much shames him he really doesn't answer when he asks e just gets this sullen look on his face.
Jennidee I know I might sound hypocritical with this advise but there is no way you need those clothes that much to have to keep dealing with that A**hole, it really bothers me how people are born without compasion for their fellow man much less someone a person you have grown to care for, Instead of being your rock and being there in your time of need to comfort he has gone out of his way to be a total jerk to you God do I know how badly you must need a hug right now and if he had any type of decency he'd be the one giving it to you. The fact that you took the kindness out of your heart to lend the items to HIS daughter should make him more than willing to put them in an envelope for you Kharma is a hell of a thing and I just hope that he can handle it when the shoe is on the other foot, I definetly hope you get your clothes back and I will pray that god gives your friend a change of heart and he returns them to you I will also pray for god to help you through this stressful time and for your fathers health, please know you are not alone, big hugs my sister, Fancy
|
|
|
Post by jennidee on Nov 28, 2005 3:00:45 GMT -5
Thank you Fancy, for worrying about me with your plate so full. Writing my response to you was in part therpeutic for me. I have to get out of my situation and there is nobody here I can tell about it without sounding like I am crazy for being in it.
Today, he brutalized me emotionally. My dad is definately dying and Jim went nuts on me on the phone, calling me horrible names, teling me I am stupid. I was sobbing and telling him yes, yes I am all those things, just please leave me alone. He told me that if I hung up instead of listening to him, he would never talk to me again. I am so afraid of abandonment that I stood and listened, even though I was wet and cold from walking my dogs on the beach and told him this. The weaker and more vulnerable I am, the meaner he gets. It is so Jeckyll/Hyde.
I am wrecked now. He threatened to call my brother and tell him things about his wife that I don't like and ruin my relationship with my brother. He keeps calling and telling me how horrible I am and yes, he is going to throw my clothes out in the street. He knows he losing control and HIS fear is driving him to show his true, horrible colors.
I headed for the bookstore today and bought "Women who Love too much." Oh my God, it is me and him!! REading the book is like talking to a shrink and a girlfriend at once. It is comforting and scary, as clearly, I have major self esteem and fear issues stemming back to---childhood of course. It is not easy to read, but it makes me feel less crazy and realize that a man can be as charming, romantic, sexy and funny as my boyfriend and still be brutal, and that is the hook. I keep hoping that irf I love him enough, he will change. I have done this dance before, can't believe I've done it again. He might change, but more likely, I will be destroyed by the pain waiting for it to happen.
You guys here help me. It sounds sillyl, but when I am down, I log in just to kinda be among friends, even if it is just reading about herbs. This thread has helped me open up and put some things in writing that have been too hard to admit.
Why are we embarrassed?? It is THEM who should be ashamed. I guess that is why we are where we are.
Talking/writing helps. You don't have to do anyting Fancy, you know your situaion better than any of us and what you can live with and can't. You should be supported no matter what. It is very easy for people to say to leave, but it is NOT easy when you are in the middle of it and still love somebody and have your family with them. It is hard when your friends can't even hear it anymore, and that compounds the embarrassment. But you can tell it here, or privately in email. Those of us who have been in your shoes, and who are in them now in some way, will understand and give you HUGE e-hugs, as you have given me.
Be strong and well my dear,
Jennifer
|
|
|
Post by fancy112 on Nov 28, 2005 11:22:14 GMT -5
Jennifer , My heart goes out to you reading your post this morning I felt so helpless, I thought about it and here are some things I think might counteract what he is doing, first if he threatened to call your brother why not call him first and tell him give your brother the information the way you would rather have it heard than letting this man manipulate you by coming between you and your brother, or you could call your brother and say hey listen me and so and so are going through a rocky period right now he is looking to say things to come between you and I out of spite so he'll probably say some very mean and spiteful things but there just words that he's using to get between us. Secondly, I didn't get any empowerment in my situation until I started to turn the tables and start to manipulate things in my favor. For instance when my boyfriend and I first started arguing he would hang up the phone on me when he was ready and if I ever dared to hang up the phone on him there were times he would drive all the way home to yell and curse me out for hanging up on him, so you know what I did the next time he called me and started arguing with me when he hung up I didn't call him back and I didnt answer the phone when he called, I knew that would make him come home in the middle of the day so I took the kids (only had4 then) and I left I went out for the day, it drove him crazy, and just to make sure we didn't get into it that night when I got home I invited my neighbor and some kids she was watching upstairs for cake, he was home but the funny thing about him is he will never argue in fron of people he went to sleep way before she left and the next morning im sure things looked a little different to him, it was the first time I was able to get the upper hand and I remember how tickled I was on the inside, that for once I hadn't let him get the best of me, I had done something he could not control and I think that made him stop and think. I can't say what will definetly work for you because im not in your situation but the next time he told me if I hung up he wouldn't talk to me again , id call his bluff and hang up, He needs you to stay there and listen to him more than you need for him to be there for you trust me he has as much as a dependency on you as you do on him who else is he going to torture, he needs to do that to you to make himself feel important, if im wrong which I doubt I am you'll have alot less stress for one evening make sure you have a girlfriend available so she can help you make it through the night boost your self esteem or just be yourself around he'll call the next day and maybe you will have leveled the playing feild a little I think you'll raise your self esteem a little because it will be you who stuck up for yourself. This is just a suggenstion I can in no way tell you what is going to be totally correct for you in your situation but I hope this gave you some food for thought .
|
|
|
Post by jennidee on Nov 28, 2005 14:12:15 GMT -5
excellent suggestions fancy, and kudos to you in having the courage to stand up to your man! My father was a bully (surprise!) and long ago I had it out with him and while it didn't cure him, he has never gotten as vile again. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders as well as a big heart. Your kids must love you a lot and they will know all you have done for them. And isn't it interesting that your guy does not misbehave around others?? Other people's opinions count so much, at least outsiders--they need that for their self-image.
I did just what you said--Last night I called my brother and gave him the heads up. I hated doing it since he is under so much stress, but he was very good about it and it felt great to finally have someone to tell about what is going on.
I also took today off work--I was going to have to take a boat out to an island for a meeting and I did not want to be far from home or cell service if things got worse with dad. I have been sleeping like a log! I also called my insurance and got authorization to see a therapist, and made an appointment. THat feels better too.
I am going to walk the beach with my doggies...helps clear the head, as does reading things like your post. Your strength is an inspiration.
Thank you dear lady,
Jennifer
|
|