Demons from childhood

[hulagirl]

I'm sorry in advance for ranting on about this but I am stressed and when I get stressed it rears it's ugly head.

When I was 8 my brother started molesting me which went on until I was 15, by that time he was raping me several times a week. I didn't tell anyone except for my husband and then my family when I was 20. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and now 15 years later my family is still torn in two. I have three brothers and I have hardly any contact with them. I am very close with my parents though. As it turned out I was anorexic for 7 years and so got no boobs. It was a vicious cycle, I wouldn't eat because I didn't feel like I worth enough to eat and then I would hate that I was so skinny( I was 40 pounds in 4th grade) so I would take those weight gain tablets. I just wanted to be like everyone else and knew that I would never be.

The reason I bring this up is because I was going through old posts and Fawn had said that "a young girl who feels threatened with sexual abuse may not develop because the subconscious tells the body that it isn't safe to be obviously sexual." When I was little I worked very hard at not being able to feel anything except my mind, or floating as I call it. So now that I am doing BE I have a little bit of a problem "allowing" myself to grow. For the first month and a half whenever I had any feelings I would push them away in my head. Once I got well into my second month I was a bit more able to accept them. That is when I saw some real growth. I am really glad that I saw that post because I thought there was something wrong with me. I have always wanted to have bigger boobs. I have always been a AA until after I had my kids and then I went to a AA and smaller. Now that I am in my mid thirties they had "fallen" and I didn't think that was even possible. When I started taking herbs and I would get feelings of growth I would get so mad at myself because I was like, "What is wrong with you, you are taking pills to make your boobs grow and now you keep pushing it away? What are you, nuts?!" So now I know that it really is in my head because for one, when I didn't push it away and "float" I grew a pretty good amount, at least I think (when i am brave enough I will post the pics) and for two, when I read that thread it clicked and I thought that my whole life I have felt like I wasn't really a woman and sometimes it was okay because I didn't' really deserve to have a beautiful body anyway. He took away my innocence and made me feel like I wasn't worth anything and I will be d***ed if he is going to wreck this for me also. I really, really want to grow so bad and just feel like I am normal. I know that a lot of women feel that way so I am not alone in that.

Again I am so sorry for going on and on about this, I really am not a crazy loon. I lead a very "normal" life and noone knows about my demons except for my family and now you guys. It hurts my mom alot if I talk about it so when I am feeling really down I don't say anything to her and my husband is stressed also right now so I don't want to put more on him. Thanks so much for letting me rant. Sorry if it is jumbled up.

[atag]

Hey.....don't work urself up over ranting. Thats what we & this section is here for. I can only imagine what this whole thing must have been for u. Everything u must have gone thru then will be much more than any of us can measure. I'm probably too young to understand or give any valuable advice but jus wanna let u know we're all here anytime u need to talk..Its great that you're finally moving on & feelin normal. Ur a strong woman i know & jus think & feel positive from now on. U've seen the results already so continue the same way & it'll only get better. Hope i cud be of some help.

[shakira8]

I just wanna say that I'm sorry that you-and many other girls-have experienced so much ugliness at this tender age,I really cant imagine how you've felt!We're here for you and you can talk to us as much as you like about anything that troubles your mind.I'm glad that you're happily married,that means that you're a strong woman,not everyone has the strength to overcome such problems!I hope everything goes great in your life now,you absolutely deserve it!

[gigi]

Hula,
I'm sorry that you were so mistreated as a child. It takes a lot of strength to put all that in writing. That strength is what has gotten you this far and will continue to sustain you. I have a suggestion in addition to venting here which you are always welcome to do. Try www.Innertalk.com There may be a CD that will help with focus and blunt the edge on your experiences. This way you'll always have something centering to listen to. I have several CDs and they really help.

[charlysays]

i'm so sorry u had to go through all this hulagirl. I can sympathise with what u say.
I was sexually assaulted when i was on holiday when i was 7 and didn't tell anyone until 1 was in my late teens, and even then my mum didn't believe me at first because i had bottled it up. However, I cannot imagine the pain u must have felt with such prolonged abuse and by someone you should have been able to trust.

It takes a lot to write these things down and shows u have come a long way-u should be proud of yourself for being so strong.

I have also read that childhood abuse can prevent breast growth, for the same reasons u state. In hypnotherapy, they say u should try to visualise yourself with bigger breasts but i just can't do this.

Good luck with everything, and rant all u want-we are all here to listen, take care xx

[joyce]

I don't want to say I'm sorry, nor do I think anyone else should, everyone but your brother. He should be sorry for himself for what he's done to you. I believe it bothers or "hurts" him more than you, and if it doesn't, then theres something pyschologically wrong there. Never forget you're in control of your life, in the end its only gonna be you. I bet no one would suspect you were molested. That gives you control over everyone else. I was able to lose 60 lb when I was 14, so I'm sure you can gain a few if you already haven't. Never say you can't or that you're going to try, say that you're going to do it. And be thankful for what you do have. Atleast you're not stuggling with obesity, and you have your husband and you parents and hey! now you've found us! not only will we listen to you but we'll help you grow boobs! I know its MUCH easier said than done but if you do a little at a time...you neve know where you'll end up.

[hulagirl]

Thank you so much guys! I really appreciate all of your replies. My brother is very sorry for what he did. Him and I had talked about it when I first told my parents and he cried alot, really cried and said how sorry he was. That helped so much in the healing process. I was in therapy for about 9 months and worked through everything. I am still a little bit neurotic ( my kids have to call me from the doorway of my room if they need anything at night otherwise I will grab for their throat). I am pretty much fine now except every once in awhile it rears its ugly head. If I am too stressed it comes up and my husband is so great about it. It was one of the first things I told him when we started seeing each other, so he knows how to handle it when things get a bit out of whack with me. That's funny you mention the control thing, I amsuch a control freak. I am definitely not anorexic now, I am trying to tone up and maybe lose about 10 pounds. When I was little i could go for 2 days on a chip or a cookie but now if I go more than 2 hours I thik I am starving to death. So I am alot better in my head now than when I was a kid.

Charlysays,
I have been doing that, imagining myself the way I am gonna look with a nice set. I would love to get ato a full C or even maybe just maybe a D. I figured about a month ago that if I can block out all of the feelings in my body at 8 years old then I can make some tingles happen now and it's wooorkiiiing! They feel so full I can't believe it.

Thank you guys again for listening to me and for your kind words, it really does make me feel better.

[Wenonae]

charlysays said:

i'm so sorry u had to go through all this hulagirl. I can sympathise with what u say.
I was sexually assaulted when i was on holiday when i was 7 and didn't tell anyone until 1 was in my late teens, and even then my mum didn't believe me at first because i had bottled it up. However, I cannot imagine the pain u must have felt with such prolonged abuse and by someone you should have been able to trust.

It takes a lot to write these things down and shows u have come a long way-u should be proud of yourself for being so strong.

I have also read that childhood abuse can prevent breast growth, for the same reasons u state. In hypnotherapy, they say u should try to visualise yourself with bigger breasts but i just can't do this.

Good luck with everything, and rant all u want-we are all here to listen, take care xx

Try putting on a stuffed bra and wearing a t-shirt over it to help with your visualization. Helped me :-)

Wen'

[fawnmarie]

It's really extraordinary that you were able to talk to your brother about this. Probably not as satisfying as caving in his head with a brick, but a good thing, nonetheless. I guess he was just a dumb kid at the time?

It's okay to be angry, even if you CAN'T cave in his head with a brick, but it might help, if you haven't been able to forgive him completely, or forgive yourself.

Feelings are generated and never have to last. It's okay to get as angry as you need to for as long as you need to, without committing to it forever. The same with feeling good about yourself. There's no reason to think, now, that you can't feel you're worth having anything you want.

My favorite mantra is "Living well is the best revenge."

Fawn

[hulagirl]

Yes it was very good that we could talk about it. I am very thankful to him for that. I know that that sounds weird but if he denied it and wouldn't talk to me then it would have hurt more and I would have had a harder time with it. I have a friend that was in the same situation growing up and when she confronted her brother he denied it up one side and down the other and she still can't hardly cope with anything in her life. When I had the chance to "get him back" and have him arrested I couldn't do it. He was only 3 years older than me and he was a kid so I didnt' want to ruin his life forever, I knew he was genuinely sorry for what he did. He is very careful of my feelings when I see him and he doesn't go near my kids at all, not that my kids are ever around him when I am not there. He also cannot to this day look me in the eye so when I get really mad about it at times I know that as bad as I feel about it he has to feel worse. To know that you damaged someone in that way has to be alot of guilt.
It is really hard to feel good about yourself but I think that I share that with alot of other women who have not had my background. Just looking around at all of the "perfect" women and you feel bad for not having what they have.

I like your mantra, I do live well, I am happy most of the time. (Although these herbs are doing a number on my moods, I have been a real b**ch lately) My brother lives much better than I do, he has a nice wife, good kids, lives on the water, has more money than snot, and is a pretty nice guy all around. So that kinda sucks but whatever. I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful children and not alot of money but when I go to bed at night I can rest knowing that i didnt' mess anyone's life up. Sorry that was a little bit mean but it gets me through the bad times. Feeling much better this week but once I start back on the herbs who knows, they really are hard, they make everything more stressful and then things come up but hey no pain no gain right. Once I get my boobs then it will be worth it.