I didn't know who else to ask for advice

[charlysays]

hey satu,just want u to know that this is what we're here for and i think a lot of people know how u feel. i was on anti depressants a couple of years ago- paroxatine 20mg, and it was motly down to the way i felt about myself. since then i've lost about 2 stone just by being sensible with food-but i still feel fat and unhappy. i haven't been swimming in front of people for years now-and i used to swim for my county in meets, but i don't have the confidence anymore.


my boyfriend also says similar things but it's hard to accept them when u don't love yourself. just want u to know that if u ever need to talk about things we're always here. don't apologise for feeling down-i'm sure your boyfriend means everything he says and loves u very much.

i've done a bit of research on natural ways to boost your self esteem-i hope some of it helps

'St John's Wort is often called 'Nature's Prozac' and is widely used as the anti-depressant of choice in many countries like Germany and in other parts of Europe.

There have been many clinical studies which show the effectiveness of St John's Wort in the treatment of depression.

A review published in the British Medical Journal quotes up to twenty-three clinical trials which demonstrate that St John's Wort works as well as many prescription anti-depressants, without the major side effects. Millions of people around the world have been helped by treatment with St John's Wort.

Many clients say that it feels like 'the black cloud' has been lifted from their heads and that they have more zest for life!'

'Passiflora - a calming herb that reduces anxiety and soothes frayed nerves.

According to Dr Earl Mindell (The New Herb Bible), Passiflora is one of nature's best tranquilizers. It works quickly and effectively and is an excellent addition to any treatment for anxiety and depression.'

Eating certain foods will also help to raise serotonin levels. Good examples are oats, turkey, milk, pasta and other carbohydrate-rich foods.


also here is a site with lots of information that might help

www.amoryn.com/zznaturalanti-depressants.html

i hope some of this is useful, and u feel better about yourself-have a big hug from me aswell, laura (charlysays) xx

[charlysays]

i don't know why it is i'm 'ok' with him reading zoo, i guess it does bother me but i'd prefer him to be looking at those pics rather than looking at real women-the girls in those mags aren't real-they're plastic and airbrushed and i don't mind if i know what he's looking at-it bothers me if he buys things on the sly. we've been together 4 years now and it's only very recently i've been better at the jealousy thing-i used to go nuts.

at the beginning of our relationship he messed me round with his ex girlfriend and wen we got it sorted he promised he'd chucked all her photos out-so being little miss para, i went through his stuff and found them all. because we went through all the trust issues then i've found that things just didn't work when i felt that insecure-i wouldn't let him talk to his ex for years. i think the magazines are the lesser of 2 evils. i still get a little knot in my stomach when i think of him looking at them-but i think i try to put it to the back of my mind.

glad u listen to your mum-they're always right about these things-my sister had bulimia for years and my mum was great-but it makes her paranoid about both of our eating habits! it seems you've come a long way already-coming off anti depressants is the hardest thing, and getting over anorexia even more difficult. u should be very proud of yourself. i honestly believe men don't like proper skinny girls-my sister looked awful when she lost all the weight but she still thought she was fat.

i actually blame these magazines for the way we feel about ourselves-it's unrealistic and unfair. an example-in this zoo issue there's a feature on abi titmuss (cringe), and she looks like a twig-and on celebrity love island (the shame of watching it a few times!) she most definitely was not-she looked the same as the rest of us-love handles, cellulite and all. the media makes us feel inadequate. i agree if one person in the relationship feels strongly about porn then it shouldn't be present in the relationsip at all

your boyfriend probably thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread but just isn't very good at showing it-my bf is terrible at compliments.

i don't know wabout hops for depression, but here's another site i've been reading written by Drs-and they're not trying to sell anything-which is refreshing!

exchange.healthwell.com/nutritionsciencenews/NSN_backs/feb_99/depression.cfm?path=ex

keep smiling, laura xx

[gigi]

Hi Satu,
The situation you describe seems like mental quicksand in that the more you think about it the deeper you get stuck. Perhaps a non chemical approach might work. Have you looked into hypnosis or subliminal hypnosis materials? Try www.Innertalk.com and see if anything appeals to you. I have seen a difference in myself after having used their CDs. Another calming protocol like aromatherapy or deep breathing may also help alone or in combination. Good Luck.

[hulagirl]

Satu,

I have alot of the same feelings as you do. I know that it is very hard, your mind runs away with things and you can't stop it. I have an extremely low self esteem issue. I started taking Vitex/chasteberry this month at Wen's suggestion and boy did it ever help! It's good for pms, menopause and some other stuff but it really does help with negative feelings. I didn't really notice a difference with it but then last Saturday I fogot to take it and I was a mess. Of course I don't tell my husband how bad I feel and thoughts that I have because it would make him feel bad. But anyway on sunday I took it again and what a difference!! I even started to think of things and it didn't bother me like before the V/C. I don't think I ever want to stop taking this stuff. I don't know if it would help you or not but it's worth a shot. I hope you feel better soon

Hulagirl

[gigi]

Satu,
The materials from Innertalk are intended to be played while you sleep. You can also listen to them while awake-your choice. Aromatherapy involves scent. There are candles that can be lit, potions that can be applied to pulse points and essential oils that are heated in a lamp by a votive candle. If you google Aromatherapy you'll find numerous sites that give an in-depth explanation. All my sources however, are in book form. There may even be a reference on the old MSN board if you do a search.

[atag]

Hi Satu!

Oh My God! I can't believe this. I just got off the phone after an hour long argument with my boyfriend, cryin et all & i stumbled across ur post. I felt i was readin my thoughts! Satu i have been experiencing the exact same thing as u. I don't know what to do. I've been very depressed, keep imagining my boyfriend being attracted to other women, cheatin on me....oh it goes on! I feel horrible & cranky all the time. I behaved the exact same way as u today, wasn't allowing him to touch me. I really don't know why i'm being soo depressed for no rhyme or reason. I need help. I don't wanna take any internals for it but..Satu we'll get thru this together.

[hulagirl]

Ya know what, I think that maybe the herbs we are taking make us a little bit nuts. We are putting ourselves back into puberty and if you have any teenage girls or remember how it was when you were a teenager then you know what I mean. Most teenage girls are very emotional and dramatic. When I am not on the herbs I feel more normal. Before I started any of this I was a somewhat jealous person. I don't think there are too many women who are all for the mate to drool over another woman so I am not odd in thinking that. Since I have started BE I am a total nutjob, I think that my husband would so much rather be with someone who has a perfect body. Now what I think is perfect and what my husband thinks is very different. He thinks that Sandra Bullock is very pretty and has a really nice figure but I think that VS models are perfect. Don't get me wrong, I think that Sandra Bullock is very pretty also but I am shaped more like her so I don't think that she has a great figure. I want to look more like Jessica Simpson. It's never gonna happen but I think in my mind that he would rather be with someone who looked like her than me. I just can't wait until I am done with this whole thing so I can go back to feeling normal again. I want to be able to be with my husband and be in the moment instead of feeling like I wish I looked better so he would like me more. I know that sounds insane but for the last 4 1/2 months that is how it has been. We just have to hang in there until we get our big boobs, it will all be worth it in the end. Also I have been married for 16 1/2 years and one thing I learned is that they don't always have to know everything that we are thinking. I don't think you should keep the big stuff from him but all of the insecurities that we have just makes them frustrated that they can't make us happy. Think about it, if they acted like we do then we would feel bad and it would get tiring just trying to make them feel like they are the only ones we find sexy. So some things are better to keep to ourselves for the sake of our relationship. And if that doesn't work for you then just pretend that you are a porn star and it will drive him so wild he won't be thinking of anything else except you and how great you are and how lucky he is to have you. Trust me it works like a charm every time, it makes you feel better and he will be talking about that for days (only to you of course) :0

[fawnmarie]

fSatu,

First of all - I'm not going to deal with your perceptions of yourself - because that actually requires one on one counseling or instruction. I will address the chemical aspects.

First of all - why did you decide to stop taking your antidepressants? Did you slowly withdraw from them or stop suddenly. It's very important to have your doctor provide decreasing doses for withdrawl. Suddenly stopping antidepressants can lead to erratic behavior and mood swings.

My poor husband was prescribed zoloft for sleep - when it didn't help him sleep he quit and became suicidal - within just a few days. It was the zoloft withdraw. And HE'S a mental health professional! He should have known better. But was at least aware enough to realize that the withdrawl was the source of his suicidal thoughts.

If you are on antidepressants for a reason, you may need to try another one. Wellbutrin is pretty good for "uncontrolled negative thoughts" and obsessive thoughts and has less side effects than prozac and zoloft.

Also - yes - the high levels of hormones might be making ya'll crazy - get yourself some progesterone and use it whenevery you feel blue. I use it for PMS. My PMS consists of a deep depression with feelings of complete futility about three days before my period starts and progesterone stops it within an hour or two.

Lastly - no one has a perfect body - most of those women are not just plastic, they're airbrushed. We're all going to get old, ugly and saggy anyway - so quit fussing. Old folks have great love lives once the darn kids move out. Nothing is perfect - it's just uniquely itself.

Fawn

[jennidee]

Hey Satu,

I agree with Fawn here--it is very tempting to try to tell you that your low self-esteem is your worst enemy, but clearly you have the self-awareness to have recognized that your issues come from within and are not necessarily a reflection of how the world sees you. You also know that you have runaway and unwanted thoughts, which is a step towards learning some behavioral modification techniques from a good therapist.

I have had similar issues and it has hurt some good relationships. I have felt so threatened in the past when a boyfriend looked at porn, other women, or worst of all, went to a strip club. While some men are WAY too into these things, a certain amount of it falls well within the range of normal guy-stuff that doesn't necessarily mean they don't love us and think we look great. I let my jealously turn in to controlling and blaming behavior and nearly chased some nice guys away when they really were not doing anything wrong. When my thoughts were clearer, I was able to recognize that they were good men who DID love me and I had let my distorted perceptions intrude on the relationship. I still struggle with it. I hope you stay in counseling to help continue to address it.

SAM-e is touted as an herbal mood booster, antidepressant. I don't know if it is sold in England, but you can likely order it online. It is more expensive than St. John's Wort, which is why I have not tried it. Valerian root is used for anxiety, so you might want to try that too. Also make sure you get lots of B-vitamins, which are good for stress and nerves. If you have any kind of eating disorder, it is a good idea to take a good multi-vite anyway. Also, if you are still not eating healthily, your blood sugar could be erratic and affecting your moods.

Don't dismiss antidepressants--they do serve a purpose and if they can improve your quality of life, then it might be worth it. Explore the different ones, one might work when others don't. I have noted that Wellbutrin is not always indicated for people who have had anorexia, so make sure you let your doc know. And as Fawn said, don't go off anything abruptly, as this can cause a host of problems.

Just know that you are not alone in your insecurities, I think you have some company here. We are surrounded by images of sexy, perfect women and it is hard to feel like we can compete or be appealing, but it sounds like your boyfriend is trying hard to let you know that you are THE one for him.
Take care and don't give up on medication--you deserve to feel better.

Jennifer

[fawnmarie]

I'm not sure if your doc will put you on Wellbutrin if you have an eating disorder. Hmm.... Not if it's anorexia, anyway.

Eating disorders can be pretty tough. I've fallen into them a couple of times, only when I'm really depressed, so I have a small idea of how tough they can be.

If you have an eating disorder, you might have an associated form of body dysmorphia, which means you can't really trust how you perceive the way you look.

Having been through it a couple of times, I do find the way the mind works around eating disorders is pretty fascinating. There are such a lot of different approaches and triggers - and I don't mean pictures of Kate Moss. Some of us see our selves different than we really look (dysmorphia), some of us become number-obsessive (which is sort of autistic when you think about it). Anyway, sorry, I don't mean to be insensitive, but I remember going through it, and talking with other women with it, and I just thought it was fascinating what different thoughts surfaced and catalyzed the ED.

Under those circumstances, maybe you should just trust your boyfriend's perception. He's probably right.

Fawn