relationship help

[kaysmom]

My husband and I are separated, thinking about a divorce. I've liked this guy- Zack for a long time. Well, after a while of me and my husband being separated, I slept with Zack. At that time, there was no doubt in my mind we were getting divorced, so it didn't bother me. Now, I've been spending time with my husband trying to decided whether a divorce is the right thing or not, and I really want to tell him about the one nighter. My problem is, what if I tell him and we get divorced anyway, there was no since in telling him, but what if things work out. I've never had a secret from my husband and this is killing me. Sometimes I'd rather get a divorce and date other people so I won't feel so bad then work things out and have to live with what I've done. He's told me if I have cheated on him he wouldn't be mad because he would deserve it for treating me so badly, but what if he's just saying that to get me to tell him what I've done. I'm one of the most responsible, caring people. Me cheating on my husband is something I never would've done. I don't regret it. I just feel bad when my husband is telling me how wonderful I am. Why don't I regret it? I think a lot of it has to do with not wanting to be tied down anymore. I've seen what being married will do and I don't want it. I really want a divorce, but .... I don't know. Why is life so complicated?

[bellylaugher]

Hi there, sorry to hear that you're struggling right now... Having read what you wrote, it sounds to me like you're no longer committed to your husband. If you slept with someone else and don't regret it, then either a) you know your husband would be upset but it doesn't bother you, or b) don't think your husband would be bothered by it, regardless.

If you're hesitating about telling him, then it can't be b).

Are you not telling him because you really feel he would be upset (even though he said he wouldn't), or is it because you don't want to taint the responsible, caring image that he (and prob your friends) see in you? If you decide that you want things to work out, then you're going to have to tell him, secrets don't remain locked away forever... they come out eventually some way or another. Not wanting to tell him because "you might get divorced anyway" isn't a justifiable reason - in my opinion. If he decides to divorce you because you slept with someone else, well then divorce is inevitable and the decision is made for you.

From what you've said, I don't think you want to be in this marriage anymore - you've slept with someone else and don't feel guilty about it, you don't want to be tied down anymore and you really want a divorce... so what's keeping you there? You can't remain with someone just because you feel bad for them, or sorry for them. That's not the right reason to be in a relationship.

My friend's wife left him - they separated and she also slept with someone else. They ended up trying to sort things out (he really loved her), but it turns out she only came back to him because she felt guilty, so all they did was prolong the divorce and the emotional upheaval.

I don't envy you for being in this situation, but you gotta really sort out your priorities asap, because it's not fair for both you and your husband while things are being drawn out and not all the cards are on the table.

Good luck to you.