plz help me to help my friend

[hydeandseek]

ok, i need your help so i can help one of my close female friends. i honestly do'nt know what to say to her to make things better, maybe you guys can help me out. here's the deal...

she's almost 30, been married for several years now with no kids, has a successful career, nice real boobs (makes me wanna puke!), and is just a real sweet person. she dropped this bomb on me yesterday that she's recently found herself to be attreacted to a single male friend of her's from the gym where she goes. She swears to me their relationship is strictly non-physical and I believe her because she's not a good liar.

this is why i need help in knowing what to tell her. the guy is 65 years old and has a son about her age and has been married twice already. apparenatly yesterday she confessed her feelings to him only to find out he felt the same way about her. how do i tell her that this relationship is a dead end thing? i mean, i don't want to hurt her anymore, she's already hurting enough right now, but, man what do i say to her? its like nothing i say is gonna make things better. plz help me.

[Wenonae]

Hmmm..doesn't seem totally dead-end if there's a mutual attraction. All I would advise you to tell your friend is to be as practical as possible (think long-term..can she grow old(er) with him?, can they share non-lovey-dovey stuffs (take care of business, hang out with each others' friends?, is it financially smart?, etc.). If all is lined up, then if she can deal with the gray hairs..then I say let her enjoy. Sometimes soul mates come in funny ages.

Wen'

[ok, so I only addressed one aspect of Hyde's concern..I commented the rest after Snowqueen below]

[hydeandseek]

wen, so from what you're saying i should tell my friend to consider leaving her husband of almost 5 years if she thinks this guy is the one? i mean, i've been with my friend and her husband and they always seemed like this perfect match. i do'nt know how her leaving him would effect things. i know that they have a prenup that's pretty one-sided: his. if they did split, she doesn't stand to get diddly-squat from her husband. this is such a delicate issue. i do'nt want to encourage her to leave her husband because i dont want her blaming me down the road for screwing things up. and i don't want to encouarge her to cheat on her husband either. maybe this is just something will cool down over time.

[gigi]

Wen has a point about finding love in all shapes, ages and sizes. That being said, your friend is less than half this man's age and this guy's been around the block a few times. Maybe she's intrigued by him but in love? In lust maybe, otherwise why tell him of her attraction? Of course he's going to agree that he's also attracted to her. Why wouldn't he? She needs to be honest with herself as to why she's taking this path. If her marriage is sound she wouldn't be playing with fire. If she asked you for an opinion tell her honestly what you think prefaced by your concerns...."i do'nt want to encourage her to leave her husband because i dont want her blaming me down the road for screwing things up. and i don't want to encouarge her to cheat on her husband either." Ultimately she'll make her choice. Be there for support.

[confused]

Hi hydeandseek,

I realize , this may not be what you want to hear, but I am a put away person and I know it is no fun. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. HOW WOULD SHE FEEL IF IT WERE HER HUSBAND SEEING SOMEONE ELSE AND POSSIBLY WANTING TO DIVORSE HER. Sometimes it helps to put the shoe on the other foot so to speak or walk in the other persons shoes. Myself , I do not believe in divorse even though I was divorsed. I still Love my ex and we do alot of things together even after twenty some years. The Bible says marriage is binding and un breakable even though man chooses to do otherwise. You know, I may have stepped on some toes here and if so, I appologize with all my heart. It is just my belief and I cannot pass judgement on anyone else as I do not have that right nor will I stop being freinds with anyone who chooses to carry out this act. Sometimes , I can talk way to much. God Bless to All.

With Love,
jre

[snowqueen67]

Hi there,

I speak from experience when I say there is nothing you can do. It will take the course that it will. Be a true friend and offer support whatever happens. If she tries to get you to give her advice - be careful, but remind her that very often these attractions are the attraction of the unknown. Once it becomes more familar, it can lose its allure REALLY fast.

I once heard that to get the person to make a list (sounds crazy) of the "pros and cons" of the situation - it can make it all a lot clearer.

rebecca

[Wenonae]

Hyde'

I should have clarified more, but ABS NOT do I support that she purposely leave her DH. Honestly, she needs some spiritual books or some other such documents which will teach her that it's really possible to have more than one soul mate. That its 'ok' to be REALLY attracted to someone, but acting on it is not always best.

I REALLY like what Rebecca wrote. I always had my sisters and some friends do the same thing in a real clutch. Seeing it on paper really helps put 'reality' back to the forefront. I think in the long-run it's best she recognize the crush..then move on.

Wen'

[joyce]

Hmmm, this makes sense to me in my head so let me try to say it...

If she's not attracted to her husband anymore, and not because she's found someone else, then maybe a split would be best.

However, if she only wants to get a divorce because of this man, and she's still in love with her husband, then she should stay with her husband.

[hydeandseek]

hey thanks guys for all your wonderful input. i really appreciate all your help. my friend told me this morning that she and the guy had a talk and now he wants to pretty much break off all communication with her, but get this: he wanted her to come by his house on the way to work so they could talk. she DIDN'T go to his house, i was very proud of her. she told me she didn't want to put herself in a position to get hurt even more, especially one where she's alone with this man at his home. nothing physical has taken place between the two of them and if it did, that would just add fuel to an already out of control fire.

she's hurting really bad right now and is very confused, but things can look good on the surface and not be what's right for her. i did tell her that if every married person left their spouse for someone they were attracted to that there would probably be no more marriages left in the world. i'm married too and might think a guy's cute or something, but no way would i just up and leave my husband ever.

from what she's told me about him, they have very little in common, he even told her that when they talked this morning. i mean, he's old enough to easily be her dad, he has a son that's her age, he likes to travel, likes to dine at very expensive restauaruants, enjoys going to his lake house to go boating and fishing almost every weekend, and has already had two failed marriages.

i just hope when the hurt and the flattery wears off this deal, she'll realize that if she did take that huge step of leaving and pair up with this guy it might not be what she thought it would be and then she'd probably really regret everything.

all i can base this on is that up until this guy came into the picture, they've been friends a few months now, everything seemed to be good between she and her husband.

[Wahaika]

Temptation is an interesting thing. Giving in to it can drive people in a direction that they did not mean to go. I have never experienced a divorce but the thought of it is indescribably agonizing.

She needs to confide in her husband. If they both have high integrity, it will bring them closer together.

It's not over until she changes gyms.

My 2 cents,

Wahaika

[Peachy]

wahaika said:

It's not over until she changes gyms.

I couldn't agree more -

Peachy

[Tweety]

I'm with Satu and the rest of you Thou Shalt NOT commit adultry gals (and guy). When you are single you are free to pick and choose but not when you get married, otherwise what is the point?

These movies glamourize cheating, making it out to be funny, liberating, and a good thing. I have known people who have been cheated on, and it is absolutely crushing!

From a woman's perspective, there will always be "greener grass" and it looks especially inviting when your husband is not meeting certain needs. When a man comes along who does seem to meet those emotional needs you instantly want to be with him.

While a lot of gals have left a husband for a more exciting man, rarely does it pan out. When we're caught up in the excitement of being wined and dined and treated how we feel we deserve to be treated, we not only neglect trying to meet our husband's needs, but basically give up trying to make the marriage work. We look at man #2 through rose colored glasses and it isn't until we've left a marriage and hooked up with another man, whether it's one year or more down the road when we realize he ISN'T what he was cracked up to be, and he has faults, maybe just different ones.

What kind of person would try to lure someone from their spouse? And if they take "cheating" so lightly, what is to stop them from cheating on you?? The 65-year old was good to break off communication. He acknowledged the feelings were there and ran, not walked away from the situation (except the asking her to come to his house to talk thing?!?)

I am only a single girl with a long-time boyfriend. I have never been married and have no children. I admit I have felt attraction many times to older, distinguished men, married or not. They have always known exactly what to say, and at a time when I'm having problems with my boyfriend it looks VERY inviting. But I don't cheat. The whole situation reeks heartbreak. I can't wait until I am married, and can't imagine why anyone would want to throw away a marriage.

[hydeandseek]

tweety, you are so right about everything you've said. i talked to my frieind today and told her just what all you guys have said on here and i think its helping her to put things back in perspective in her life.

she did tell me that there are no problems between she and her husband and that she doesn't intend to leave him for anybody else...this guy or any other guy htat tries to steal her away. and yes, she has thought many times about what if the shoe was on the other foot.

i think she's gonna be ok, its gonna take time to get over this and she agreed that it would be much harder to do if things HAD progressed to a intimate level, which they DID NOT. THen its really hard to let go.

thanks guys for all you help!