Shaz
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by Shaz on Dec 2, 2003 7:00:13 GMT -5
This isn't really BE-related so I am posting in off-topic, but it is related to breast size.
I've been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, and we are having major difficulties. It's been going on since early this year, and we keep talking about splitting up. The problems started when I "forced" him to make a decision about whether he wants kids, and as I always suspected the answer was no. Whenever we talk seriously about splitting up, he says that he'll have a baby with me rather than split up, but it doesn't feel good to know that it isn't what he really wants. He says that he has no urge whatsoever to have kids.
Well, now there are other problems too - we no longer have sex, and I am constantly snapping at him. Part of me wants to give up so that we can both just move on. I think I still love him, but not in the same way anymore as I can't see a future for us.
For lots of reasons, I'm scared of splitting up. One is that it's so hard for me to go into a new relationship because of my insecurities about my lack of breast size. I am totally self conscious about my body.
To add to the confusion, I met someone last May (actually, an old Uni friend that I hadn't seen for years), and we are really attracted to each other. He and I have had "jokey" emails since meeting up, and the fact that we are attracted is well established.
I've got so many things going around in my head - I feel guilty about being attracted to someone else; I don't know whether to carry on in my present relationship; if I did split up, I don't know if I could go into a relationship with the other person or anyone else because of my body issues..... it's all driving me mad at the moment!
I know that no-one can really sort this out for me, so sorry for all the negativity!
Sharon.
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Post by mominator on Dec 2, 2003 10:39:07 GMT -5
Hi Shaz, 4.5 years a looooooooong time to spend with 1 person and not make an actual binding comitment. Sorry, maybe old fashioned, but the way I see when I fell in love with my husband. I KNEW I wanted to be together forever and make sure that was SEALED. YEP HE BE STUCK WITH ME! Obviously if you are finding yourself attracted to someone else, then maybe it is time to get out. Lack of being intimate is a BIG CLUE for you. Yes we have people on the board who are experiencing lack of libido, but it sounds as if you have lost interest in your partner. Let your conscience be your guide, but 4.5 years...that's a long time of limbo. Someone is not truly in this relationship. I hope you make the right decision, this is just my 2 cents Cha-ching.
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Shaz
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by Shaz on Dec 2, 2003 11:14:30 GMT -5
Well, I didn't think of this as a commitment problem. I thought I wanted to be with him forever. Our way of making a commitment to each other was buying a house together, which we did 1.5 years after we got together. I'm not big on marriage, and the issue of kids just didn't come up in the beginning. But yes, the lack of intamacy is a big clue. And you are right it isn't lack of libido. But I don't know if I should just give up. Still going round in circles.... Thanks though, it is good to get a different view.
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Post by teatowel on Dec 2, 2003 13:31:46 GMT -5
Shaz...hope this doesn't offend you. I know you feel hurt and upset about a break up, but I think you are really lucky to have the freedom to go...no divorce, no kids...just a house to divy up. Wish I could get away. I met a man that I am very attracted to, but I have 4 kids and a loveless marriage which make any new relationships impossible or at least incredibly messy and hurtful to all. Best of luck with whatever decision you make. tea
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Post by Wenonae on Dec 2, 2003 14:58:44 GMT -5
Shaz, Hope it's in writng that u both own the house. I say, it's about time to consider other options. Agree to get out and date other people to see if it's a direction you both want to consider. Seems like to me, your clock is ticking...if his instincts aren't up now...when or if they do come, it will be too late. I was with someone for 5 years hoping they would 'see the light'. Truth is..you can't change anyone, so it's best to move on, while there are still options and time.
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Post by pammy on Dec 2, 2003 17:17:07 GMT -5
((hugs)) Only you can decide what is best for you, girlie. You know we all have really good ears. I wish you the best in any decision. pammy
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Shaz
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by Shaz on Dec 3, 2003 6:12:43 GMT -5
Thanks for all your support, I suppose that's what I needed. I wish someone could just tell me what to do, but obviously I have to sort this out!
Tea, I'm not offended at all. What you said makes sense. I know if we had had children and I was feeling like this, I would feel the same as you, that I had no choice. I feel bad for you that you feel that way about your marriage. I'm not really in a position to give you advice (and you didn't ask for it!), but I think you should still do what makes you happy in the long term. Also, kids need their parents to be happy. My parents are still together after 33 years of marriage, but my memories of childhood are mostly of arguments, shouting, swearing, smashing things, slamming doors, etc. I'm not suggesting at all that this anything like your marriage! I just don't think a long marriage is necessarily a successful one. I really hope I havn't offended you at all because that wasn't my intention!
Wenonae, yes the house is in both our names. My clock is definitely clicking. I'm 31, and didn't think it would click a few years ago!
Pammy, thanks for your support.
Sharon.
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Post by SomeGirl on Dec 4, 2003 15:03:17 GMT -5
Hi Ya, I'm 31 and I've got a great job, a nice home I bought, but someone to share it with is the one missing piece.
However, last month I broke it off with my boyfriend who wanted to marry me. It broke my heart. He was really sweet and did nice things for me. But he wasn't responsible enough to pay bills, clean up after himself or move forward in a career. We didn't connect mentally either. I was frustrated in daily conversations and knew it was time to go. Over the long run we'd both be hurt more.
I wanted things that I knew he couldn't give me. Since I broke it off it's been a relief. I play on adult sport league and just got a job promo. I'm doing as much as a can as a single gal. I would love a man at my side, but my energy is only spent on those things that pay off in the long run. No matter how old I grow I hope to only spend life with someone because we are made for one another, not because I need to. I think the real question is are you with him because it's hard to be alone after so long or is it because you think you and him will reach an agreement over your differences? I know you'll work it out girl!
Best of luck...
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Shaz
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by Shaz on Dec 6, 2003 12:00:18 GMT -5
Hi SomeGirl, "I think the real question is are you with him because it's hard to be alone after so long or is it because you think you and him will reach an agreement over your differences?" I think that is what I'm trying to figure out and still don't know the answer to. I don't want to make a decision then regret it later. Also, I hate the thought of hurting him, although I'm not exactly great for him while I'm feeling like this! Going through a break up is a horrible horrible thought. But actually, if I imagine myself, months down the line, moving into my own home (just me and my cat!) after splitting up with him, I can actually see myself being quite relieved. That really says something doesn't it?
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