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Post by teatowel on Nov 20, 2003 19:39:41 GMT -5
You have all herad this story before. I am so ashamed I let it happen to me. Hubby and I have been on and off for a few months. I would like to leave for good, but stupid girl that I was, I quit college when I got married. Then I worked for 4 years at an ok job in the city while I tried to get my degree. Then my hubby took this job out here in the middle of nowhere. Didn't like my job when we moved here, so I was happy to quit and make babies. Now, here I am whining to you. I have been home for going on 15 years. For the past 5, I have been working on our dream house... or his anyway. My youngest just went to first grade. I always assumed I'd go back to school , but we used alot of money on the house. So I guess I'm stuck getting a minimum wage job and doing like all the housework, homework and whatever. It is not enough money to leave him with four boys. The marriage has been over for years and years. Should I stay and enjoy the newly remodeled lake house and make him pay for my education, or should I strike out on my own and starve(probably starving won't help BE  ). |
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Post by mominator on Nov 20, 2003 19:43:12 GMT -5
Awwwe Tea:( Quite the dilemma. Tell him to leave and you keep the house! You earned it! You stood by his side through his "career", allowed him to work, while you SWEATED and TOILED with the kidz, the house, your life! So...he can go...and pay for the house!  And you can pay for your education. With the alimony!  Sounds like a plan to me! Truly so very sorry, this is happening Tea! I feel very bad!  I hope that things can work out for both of you and the kidz. |
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lild
Junior Member
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Post by lild on Nov 20, 2003 23:16:21 GMT -5
Is there any way to improve your relationship? I don't know much about relationships like yours, but if you plan on staying with him because of kids, lake house, and stuff... might as well try to enjoy it the best you can. I think it would be super difficult for you if you moved away with an OK job. My mom after years of being a stay-at-home mom divorced my step dad and it hasn't been easy since. I dunno, I'm just probably being idealistic again. Best of luck to you, Tea.
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Post by teatowel on Nov 21, 2003 13:59:47 GMT -5
So now I'm really embarassed I spilled my guts and can't find a way to delete this. Oh well. I have put on a really lovely act for years...you guys are the only ones who know...and everyone else who reads this public forum. Yikes. Love and happiness to everyone this weekend. tea
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Post by mominator on Nov 21, 2003 18:16:26 GMT -5
Mums the word Tea, there's only 81 of us now! SHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...be very, very quiet everyone! HUGS & BEST WISHES TEA!  |
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Kelli
New Member
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Post by Kelli on Nov 21, 2003 19:41:08 GMT -5
Tea,
Have you talked to hubby about seeking counseling? I know some people aren't into it, but it saved my marriage when it was falling apart a few years ago and we are soooo happy we did it.
I believe in trying to save the marriage for the kiddos if possible, but if things are REALLY bad it may be better to be apart. Also, finding some outside interests may help, like a part-time job while the kids are in school or joining a club or something.
Hope you are feeling better,
Kelli
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Post by warriorqueen on Nov 25, 2003 12:46:06 GMT -5
Hi there Tea, Just read your post (days late of course). I really feel for you. Having been a single mum first time round, it was tough. But I was young and optimistic. I think my two cents here would be pragmatic. If you can stand to live under the same roof as your husband, get what you can out of the situation. Go back to school and enjoy your kids and your lovely house. Is there any way you can talk to your husband about living more or less separately under one roof? Don't want to be presumptious here or anything and I have no idea what your relationship is like, but I did have a friend in the same situation as you, and they ended up staying 'together' but living their own lives without loathing each other. I think financially going it alone with 4 boys would be very hard on you. If you can find some kind of middle path that would probably be best. Not saying you two have to get together, but if you could focus on yourself first, kids next and sort of let the relationship go on in the background, that might be best. Sorry for sounding like an agony aunt! Hope you're not mad at me for opening my mouth!  Warrior Girl (now Warrior Queen) |
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Post by pammy on Nov 26, 2003 19:41:12 GMT -5
Hi Tea,
For what it's worth, I've been there before. Stuck in a minimum wage job, no hope of improvement. Marriage was kaput. I learned some things the hard way. I agree with the others, if you can stay, at least try to make the best of it til you can finish your education. If you can't then there's always alternative ways to get your schooling done. Having 4 lil ones is rough, it won't be easy. Just find the way you can live with, and make the best of it. We all here hope that things get better for you.
With many hugs!!
pammy
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Post by gigi on Nov 26, 2003 20:17:18 GMT -5
Tea,
First of all, take care of yourself. You're no good to those boys if you're a wreck either physically or emotionally. Second, get your education now while you still have the means to do it. Start living your own life, it's totally empowering and good for your children to see you strong. When you've acheived your goal then determine what your next step will be. Unless there's violence in your life or the children's you have options. Ultimately there's no good time to leave for them but you can make things a lot worse by not preparing. I apologize for telling you what to do but I've been burned, fried and refried. Struggling to make ends meet with two 7 year olds and ongoing litigation for over ten years gives me some insight. It's been 16 years since the breakup and things are good now but they were hell for a long time.
Be well and I hope things work out whatever you decide.
gigi
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Post by lilsx1 on Nov 27, 2003 9:13:24 GMT -5
It sounds like you are miserable, poor thing. My first thought was counseling too (doctor or priest, whatever way your faith swings)... it will be hard if your marriage has been over for years, though - if you have totally given up on that, you might be better going your own way. Either decision is going to require so many hard choices and work. The kids (if they haven't already) are going to pick up on your relationship - for instance, I always knew my mom and dad were unhappy together, I thought they SHOULD get a divorce!!! I agree with getting what you can out of a divorce - you are married and that means half that stuff is yours. He may have "paid" for it - but the work that you put in to the marriage, the kids and the house makes it just as much yours (if not more!!!) Taking care of all of that without your partners full support - mentally and physically - is not even close to easy! Keep your chin up and do what you need to do. No matter what, you have friends (and family?) that love you and will support you. You made it this far, it sounds like you are a strong woman, whether you feel it or not - and you can get through this! |
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Post by teatowel on Dec 2, 2003 13:24:30 GMT -5
Thanks for your kind input and letting me whine a little. Maybe this should be under gripes, but I'm not griping as much as grasping at what to do next without feeling old, useless, foolish and rejected. (Speaking of foolish, I'm getting all excited over my luteal swelling again...oh boy here we go again.) Hope your holidays were happy. tea
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